So the day has finally wrapped up. I went to the funeral this morning (mentioned a few entries back) and didnt cry. I teared up slightly when the director of her dance troupe got up and spoke, but other than that, not a thing all day. I cant do it. I'm still SO mad at her for giving up and (what we suspect) indirectly killing herself. There was no reason 4 her, with no serious health problems, to die at 77. None. My personal cut off (from which you are allowed to say "yea, i'm kinda tired") is 82. NO sooner. Man or woman. period. I also havent exactly come to terms with her dying. I still expect to hear her ring my doorbell, to see her walking outside. I guess the proverbial nail in the coffin would be seeing new neighbors going in and out of her house. Maybe then....
I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....
I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.
I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....
Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.
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