Cosmic pull

Seriously, lately horoscopes have just been on some kind of next generation prophetic views. I've never felt that the 'generalized zodiac' horoscopes were a big thing. Typically, they dont even fit into my stuff. But for the 4th day in a row, it's been incredibly on point.

Sunday, December 30th, 2007

Libra Horoscope

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

You tend toward moodiness today and could get discouraged as conversations become laden with heaviness. Don't fight against this downward motion, for the Moon in your sign suggests that you have much to gain from the emotional realm. Even if your current beliefs are stripped away, they will return in a more useful and lasting form.

I have fallen into a bit of a mood since the game. I got to thinking of how popular my blog seems to be, with all kinds of people. Back when I used to write (stories and poems) however, requests for individuals to read and respond kind of...fell on deaf ears. As i was talking about it with my b/f, it really hit home. My actual life issues are way more entertaining than my 'fiction', even without the latter really being understood. I'm not encompassing everyone. I know LibraDreamer would kick my ass if I didnt acknowledge that she's read everything I ever asked her to read, and given me extensive opinions on it. In addition, she even takes time to send me random letters (snail mail) because she knows I like mail & thoughts of goodness. There, i said it =0P. I think I got rid of all of my writings, except for a book I have combining one of LibraDreamer's stories (if u didnt know girl, now u do) with my own on Yin and Yang. That one i've just severely misplaced. I lost my motivation and reason for writing...if I cant attract more of the people I actually know with my work, how would I ever bring in the general public? I havent written anything knew (besides an autobio piece for class) since March. I dont even write letters like I used to. I hope the rest of this little horoscope is proven true one day. I would love to get back my writing spirit and maybe turn it into my own little "cash-cow". But for now its just...i dont know.


Road to Perfection!!!!


thats what tonight is about. The biggest game of the season kicks off at 8:15EST on CBS, NBC, MY9, and the NFL Network. That's how much this game matters to people. Even those that arent fans of either team will tune in. Why? Because this game means a perfect season for the New England Patriots or a crushing blow from the Giants. I'm so super-amped for this game. For the first time in ever, every TV in the house is on the same program (although not exactly the same channel). Two of them are taping even. This game is anything but normal. I was watching a sort of recap on the NFL network a little while ago, and an announcer came up with a whole different view on the situation. Everyone is talking about how if New England wins, they'll go down with the '72 Dolphins and the perfect season. But he spoke on how no one mentions the '42 Chicago Bears. The Bears went a perfect season, post-season, and got to the SuperBowl to lose. As a result, they arent remembered for their perfect season, but the one game they lost - the one that mattered most. It would cut deep if my Pats went out like that...but whatever. There's a game underway!

UPDATE: Amazing game..hands down best of the season for both teams. Its a shame but someone had to lose. Giants played their hearts out and made the Patriots work for their 16-0. Kudos to them, they played hard all the way to the end.

*Brady - 50 touchdown passes in a single season, breaking Peyton Manning's record of 49
*Moss - 23 touchdown catches in a single season, breaking Jerry Rice's record of 22
*Patriots - Most points scored by a team in a single season at 589, breaking the 1998 Vikings record of 556 points

A New Look, A New Life

New Jack had an amazing quote posted on her blog, one that I felt should be shared with any of my readers that may not be onto hers yet.

"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have a" life itself."

-Walter Anderson

Umm...Walter Anderson is a brilliant man. What he had to be going through to come up with some gold like that? Given my situation, i've taken those words to heart. I'm not gonna look at what I have to do so negatively anymore. Our house phone/internet line was cut off, and it made me feel good to give my cash to help get it back on. I feel even better than I'm paying off my phone bill by myself, slowly but its getting there. As long as i keep paying, they wont cut my stuff. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on the home situation, I really am.

I'm allowing myself a little more positivity for 2008, granted this new job doesnt get me into trouble. Here's to a New Year!

Accuracy is the key

Saturday, December 29th, 2007 PST

Libra Sign, Symbol

Libra Horoscope
Retreating from the hectic world sounds like a smart idea today and if you take care of your obligations early, you can actually manifest this fantasy. But even if you do manage to avoid your social obligations, things probably won't unfold according to your plan. Be prepared for a few twists and turns; engage them willingly instead of resisting the changes.

These horoscopes as of late, boy I tell ya. I dont like twists and turns, I dont need anymore. However i've been (semi) forced to confront some old school closet skeletons, and i'm willing to work with them this time around. I wanna...do what I do, and hang around the house, abuse machines & catch up on my reading. But I made promises and I suppose I should be getting out more anyway. When i'm alone I've got too much time to think. When I think, things go bad.

I actually slept last night; well, this morning. I crawled back into bed next to my b/f this morning at about 5. I dozed off into a pretty solid sleep too. Being who he is and knowing my issues, he let me sleep until noon (where i generally get up 9-10). Even then, i dozed back off and he woke me up at 1. I havent gotten that much sleep in about a week. I really needed it and he knew I did too. Thanks babe. Now i'm trying to stay away and finish off tonight's piece of the Futurama marathon. So depressed about them not force-feeding the show anymore...

I cant believe its still Christmas week. Like really? Thats insane. Why is time creeping so? I'm ready for next year already. I've got things to get to. Like making and fulfilling some resolutions. Has anyone else come up with any new ones? Ones that step a little outside of the proverbial box?


2008 Preparations

So mom's last day of work is January 18th. She's known for about a month now, they told everyone on the 17th who was being laid off for the new year. She's been with them since 2001, and she has no idea what she's gonna do now. She's planning on using her unemployment until it ends, and maybe milking for extra hours on her night job. It saddens me that she doesnt expect to get work anywhere else, and its just cuz of her age (she'll be 62 in february). It saddens me more that she's walking around acting as if things dont bother her. Watching her, I see where I get alot of my 'hide your problems' mentality. I've done research into some alternate methods of money-making..some a little more...unethical than others. I'm crossing my fingers that something works out and I can at least keep bills paid off for a little bit. We're currently driving the car illegally. I'm trying not to be too burned out about it, but i'm a little scared because the last time we had issues, I ended up missing a semester of school. If i have to miss again, i'm forfeiting and handing in the towel. They didnt even do college, why would it be a big deal for me to quit?

I'm up kind of late again...it's custom now. I'm beginning to believe that my weight loss is actually due to stress now more than anything else. I lost another 3lbs today, and I ate. I'm also...working on ignoring my problems completely. Evidently, they're getting the best of me, and taking over (some with reason). I cant help but worry alot. It's weird and scary because it seemed as though things were, stable? when I was younger. But as i've gotten older and the need to sugarcoat life has dissipated, more and more is coming to light. I've chosen to not hate my "siblings" anymore. They are who they are. Also, I guess i'm more understanding of my grandmother as well. Her and her ways I wont even get into though.

*Friday, December 28th, 2007

Libra Sign, Symbol
Libra Horoscope

You have an abundance of fantasies today, yet it could be rather difficult to talk about them, even if you think they are logical. You are feeling more private now and would rather endure emotional solitude than show too much vulnerability. Establishing boundaries may be a healthy thing, but don't stay isolated too long.

I've never seen a more perfect horoscope. I do feel the need to, withdraw a bit. I think it keeps me from a nervous breakdown or 2. Emotions are hard...i've been feeling them hella intensely. When i get angry or upset or sad or giddy about something, i go extreme. Even I notice it now. All the more reason for "solitude". I'm not sure how to look at the glass that is 2008.


More than one road

SO, happy news (to me), maybe a little less to others. But a goal is a goal. Other news, sad news, business as usual. Since i'm not sure how to get to it all, i'll just list.

1) Christmas was...just another day. Really and truly. I wish i could've been able to score the suit I need, or ma's computer so she can type-practice...which will hopefully lead to a job next yr (cross your fingers). But things just didnt work out the way I'd have liked to. Maybe next Christmas will find a different story. It's a shame money isnt a 'righteous' gift anymore. It's official that i'm an adult. Thank goodness I have new year's to look forward to.

2) My sleeping disorder has gotten a tad bit worse. I made it into bed at 7 this morning, sleep by 730, up by 12. Its become my new thing. I dont even concern myself with it anymore, its a fixture. My mother got up for work at 6 and found me cleaning my room and then working out hard-fucking-core. I figure, if i'm going to be up all night, why not involve myself with everything possible? Put the nighttime to good use I say.

3) Because I was up, out, and busy handling business all day, i neglected to eat, A fact that didnt bother me until my tummy started to gurgle at about...9 or so this evening. Due to some...unfortunate series of events (mostly me boycotting all fast food on a whole. i'm sorry New Jack. lol), I will inevitably get through this day without eating at all. But then two things happened (this is where some of u may get iffy, while I continue to say 'hooray'). 1- I hopped on the scale and have (so far) lost 5lbs 2oz...today alone. Ballin, i know. 2- The thought of food, even imagining the smell, actually made me nauseous. Like i physically gagged. Which immediately took away any desire my stomach had to eat in the 1st place. Works for me.

4) I've officially deduced that....minimal sleep, forgoing eats, and throwing yourself into work and working out, will get the job done, in a pretty short amount of time even. you can all question it if u want...the proof is in the pudding. I'm gonna be fierce when I get on that cruise....

5) One of my friends, going back to grade school, lost her child on Christmas Eve. And although I am not close to her, I dont think anyone deserves to lose something as precious as a child. My heart goes out to her and her boyfriend, it couldnt have happened at a worse time. However short his time was here, he's in a greater place now, i'm sure of it.

6) Father dearest told me a great coming of age tale. A tale that, quite literally, encompasses the time I almost didnt exist. Follow along - Once upon a time, when he was 17 (back in his smoking days), daddy dearest was a bit of a thief. He stole...a few things, things to help get him by at home. On this particular night, he was siphoning gas. As he siphoned gas into his carrying bucket, he thought he'd check on the status. (imagine a big tide container, costco/BJ's variety). So he reached into his pocket, and lit his lighter, holding it over the opening of the container. Within the same second, the wind suddenly picked up and *poof* out went the lighter. In the next few seconds it occured to him that gas was indeed very flammable, particularly when its running into a container, spilling all around said container, and in the presence of a live flame. It was at that point that he tossed his lighter, got up and took his canister with him away, realizing how idiotic his decision had been. If not for divine intervention, I wonder where I'd be. I'd be a white kid somewhere in CT i'm sure (look into and rent "The Eye 2" it explains why. deep stuff).


Sleep. It's what's for breakfast

Monday, December 24th, 2007

Daily Horoscope Overview

Today retrograde Mars comes closest to the Earth in its current cycle as it opposes the Sun. We are caught in the tension between our firm resolve to get things done in a timely fashion (Capricorn Sun) and a procrastinating wait-and-see attitude (Cancer Mars). We may not be able to maintain a smooth rhythm as we impulsively initiate action to catch up. The emotional Cancer Moon adds depth to our feelings, making them even more difficult to express.

As i sit here, unable to sleep for yet another night, I start to ponder what the source of the problem may be. I was thinking back to my early college years, when I had to take time off. I had sleeping problems then, and we're talking '03-'04. I remember being at Oney with my roomie Tasha turning in at 2, and then waking up a few hrs later to find me sitting at my desk, watching Bad Boyz 2 on some sick repeat mode, because sleep just wouldnt come. That summer, Cleva and Verne spent countless nights trekking out to my house to keep me company in the wee hours. We'd talk talk talk until we all eventually passed out, them accomplishing their goal of getting my ass to sleep.

Currently, as i continue to sit here, I'm chatting with Leah who happens to be awake because of her mom. It's nice to have someone up with me at such an ungodly hour, as unexpected as it may be. I've been awake so now that i'm not even tired anymore. I'll be up when the 'rents awaken. And they'll ask as they always do, and i'll confirm & go right back to whatever i happen to be doing.

I'm actually concerned now as to why I have such trouble sleeping, particularly since I realized how long it's been going on. I asked my PCP (primary physician) about my sleep problems, and she said she didnt see the need to prescribe any sleeping pills or anything, even though i informed her that it's been going on for like 6 months (as i thought). So i continue to sleep sporadically and gain a deeper understanding of the connection some people have with coffee and other early-morning caffeinated drinks.

Speaking of doctors, they suck. Particularly HIP doctors…as a whole. I found it odd that a doctor that was supposed to be calling me with a referral, never found the time to call me back, even after I left like 6 messages over a 3 week period. So finally, I decided f3ck this, and called the actual center back. I spoke to a different doctor, who said to me “since this location is shutting down, your case will probably be closed.” Good, happy to know that me coming in and sitting with the “doctor” for almost two hours was a colossal waste of my time. And then, to put a nail in the coffin, she says to me “do you want me to find a number for you to maybe call somewhere else?” Well, if wouldn’t inconvenience you too much…I’d appreciate it. It made me concernicus for the people in these “doctors” care that were/are actually of the suicidal variety. God knows what happens to them when doctors suddenly decide patients don’t matter anymore.

I’m back to square one as far as the whole thing goes. While sitting up chatting with Leah, I went back to WebMd and searched the symptom checker for sleep issues of all kinds – trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, restless sleep. Five things came up repeatedly – Anemia, Depression, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, and Insomnia. If only I had a doctor that was willing to take the time to test me for something, I might know definitively what the source of my sleep problem is. Then I can rectify it…with a vengeance.

I cant wait to find out who fulfills this----->

Monday, December 24th, 2007 PST

Libra Sign, Symbol

Libra Horoscope

Someone isn't being totally honest with you now and may even be working against your good intentions. If you do discover that a friend isn't being supportive, don't lash out. Take what you learn in stride. Making others feel guilty will only worsen your cause. Be thankful that you know what's going on, for what you don't know can hurt you.


Noteworthy to say the least

And Baby Makes 17: Little Jennifer joined Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar's clan with siblings Joshua, John David, Janna, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson and Johannah.

The Family Album of course

...i think they covered all of the popular J-names...in existence. Mommy dearest gets to be the odd one out with her little M. Congrats to you Duggar Clan. You are quite possibly the pride of Arkansas.

Change is coming?

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
Libra Sign, Symbol

Libra Horoscope

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You will probably do better today once you talk about what's bugging you. You must, however, remain diplomatic or you'll just make things worse. You could be caught off guard, for you won't expect things to unfold as they do. Keep in mind that your emotions can fluctuate wildly and you may have a very different attitude in just a short while.

I'm not sure why, but as I was watching some movies (and dozing in and out of sleep in between) I got this sudden urge to change. I dont know where it came from, but it's like I want to be someone different. That is, the outside, not the inside. I've been me since 1996, there's nothing in the world to change me that much. There was a PostSecret card last week that someone sent it. I wish I had saved it, but I do remember what it said - "I'm shedding my old life like skin...and I couldnt be happier." My boyfriend thought i'd sent it in, I suppose because it's similar to the way i'm leaning? I feel like as far as life goes, i'm in a bit of a rut. People are moving on waaaay ahead of me, while i'm left in the dust. The least I can do with my time is use it wisely.

My changes arent that serious, in my opinion. Besides what everyone knows, me wanting to lose weight. But I'd like to go back to my blonde hair. I'd like to find time to get into dancing (which i'll probably do with Omega Phi Beta next year). I plan to change my style a bit. Get back into dressier clothes maybe. I think it all boils down to boosting my own like...inner energy. I was watching "Rize" & "Stomp the Yard" again, and I want that kind of energy. often. That kind of energy is contagious, and i'd like to spread it too. Maybe it'll catch on full force one day.

And just because impossible is nothing,

I cant even begin to understand how she looks like that at 4'9".

no, seriously.


That One Chance

I currently have....six piercings. I'm in the market to make it seven, and the more weight I lose I might go for that even eight. Its been going on for years now...people have asked where my nose ring went, why i took it out, how come I dont wear it. Apparently I have a nose that begs to be pierced. its round enough for it to work too (in my opinion). So, whenever some extra cash comes my way, I will be getting the smallest possible stud in my nose. I'm excited about it. The other one, fully motivated by my weight loss, is a belly button ring. I dont think that piercing is for people with stomachs like mine, but if i get it down to the invisibly 'ab'd' degree of tone-age that I want it..i'm totally going for it. I may even invest in a bikini or two. As some of you reading this picture me (now) in a bikini. Scary, I know. lol.

Most people (because I shouldnt stereotypically say everyone) have that one person. That single human being that at some time or another, or maybe consistently, one wishes that they could have. And by have, I mean do. I know plenty of people who have at times gone in the direction of "if i had one night alone with (blank)" or "God how i wish i could do (blank)" or even "The first chance i get....(blank)". It's not that it comes up often, but evidently, it tends to arise at some point. I'm curious as to how many people face this deep down in the recesses of their minds. Sure, you may not be consciously thinking of it. But you never know. It could sporadically pop up and surprise even you. Even now, me mentioning this, i've got you thinking. Now that one person is coming to mind and your thinking "yea, if there was one night." I wonder if it's some kind of in-bred thing. Like you know, we're generally the only animal that resigns itself to one "mate"? Every other mammal I can think of "hooks up", has kids and moves on, maybe never seeing each other again. So maaaybe, thats what the source is of this little urge.

I've gone so far from my initial blurb..I was just curious if anyone else had a similar situation. Writing has got me thinking, and thinking may lead to some research later...at a reasonable hour

Final Destinations

[Alex sees a crying baby upon boarding the plane]
Tod: Oh great.
George: That's a good sign. The younger, the better. It'd have be a fucked up God to take down this plane.
[they see a mental patient in the front row]
George: A really fucked up God.

Personally, I fell in love with Final Destination with that line. Because everyone knew what the plane's fate was, and therefore, it had to have been "a fucked up God." USA is doing an incomplete FD marathon...they're playing the first two, while the third is m.i.a. Since early this year, rumors have been circling like crazy - the fourth Final Destination. Recently the rumors were uncovered as truth and they've supposedly started filming. As expected, they are keeping everything under wraps. I know i'm not the only one that goes to these movies to find out what new and inventive ways people will be killed. Also, 3-D! Thrilling, i know. My prediction is a 2009 release...every 3 years (2000, 2003, 2006). Like its a sign or sumthing...lol.

So one of my fellow bloggers, New Jack, has boosted my spirit. Me wanting her to succeed with her workouts and toning, makes me wanna work harder, just so i can keep up. So from now on, all of my free time will go to some kind of exercise. And even when i'm hanging out, i'll b integrating walking or some other kind of cal-burner. She's way ahead of me in the game as it is, i'm playing catch-up. I have vowed to dismiss alcohol completely (except for the occasional 5oz glass/cup of red wine), and to lose another 15lbs by the start of next semester. It'd be a great spirit booster to go back in to the tune of "wow, u look great". Who doesnt want their accomplishments appreciated? My personal "final destination" is 150 by Cinco de Mayo. I've also got some selfish reasons for doing it but...thats between me and the blogger sisters. Who wants to join my support system? I need a walk/run buddy. One thats never run track preferrably...

i'm so happy to be nowhere NEAR that big anymore...i'd like to take an updated pic to see how we've all gotten down. Sort of a halfway motivator. Word.


The Moment of Truth

As i sit here watching "Wild N Out", something hits my brain really hard. Why is someone like him a king in the realm of comedic performances? Has no one informed Mr. Crews of his size (both up & out)? Why isnt he crashing his souped up, NOS'd out car into a wall beside Vin's character Dom in F&F 5 - Faster than Ever. I wont lie though, he's a superb breakdancer. I wish i could move like he does. lol. Seriously, there are people he should be starring with in some action adventure thriller kind of roles.

I dont appreciate America "borrowing" Asian horror films and then...not doing them the justice they deserve. First Ringu and Ju-On (both them and their sequels better than The Ring(s) & The Grudge(s)), then Pulse to a lesser extent...and now with (on January 5th) One Missed Call. Soon to follow will be The Eye. The Eye actually appears to follow along with the original version. But this americanized Missed Call? I am not a fan. I can already see how they've drifted from where they should be. It makes me sad...so many people will never know how good "One Missed Call" and its sequel truly are.

Who else is as overly hyped and excited to see Johnny Depp and Tim Burton together again (apparently for the seventeenth time) in "Sweeney Todd". I've never been so amped to see a movie musical before. Ever. And from the previews I've seen, everyone puts forth a superb job in their singing as well as acting. I agree with Burton - "Actors that sing are a better commodity than singers that act." Not saying that Queen Latifah & Ice Cube & Ne-Yo & Chris Brown cant act, but thats not primary on the resume. But i'm getting off-topic. Flock with me to theatres this weekend to see a modern take on a 150 year old myth. At least he's not a pirate this time around. Helena Bonham Carter (Harry Potter 5-7, Corpse Bride, Charlie & The Choco Factory), Alan Rickman (Harry Potter 1-7, Love Actually, Die Hard), Timothy Spall (Harry Potter 4-5, Lemony Snicket, Vanilla Sky), and Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat, Madagascar, Ali G Show) round out the main cast of the movie...all of which (with Sacha's exception), have played in at least one other movie with each other (6 degrees of separation?)

On a disturbing note...has anyone heard of this show called "A Moment of Truth"? Its supposedly premiering on Fox 1/23 after the American Idol. I...dont like it. I would go on the show, I would. Cuz i could totally use the money. But umm..they get reeeeeallly personal. I mean, I have nothing against saying things about the family at this point. But I dont think friends and such are ready (or ever will be) to hear some of the truths that this show might end up revealing. I'm almost ashamed to say that i'll be and avid watcher. Just that one question about the starving kids in Africa, or the fat people, or the repulsing husband. I'm already basically hooked. I've never really thought about those questions. Who actually has some of these things made up in their heads? Fat people dont disgust me...some people in general do. And starving kids? Hello, why does it have to be Africa? I see them right here. I guess people can have a body part that repulses them, particularly if they've been together for a while. But thats...not unusual? Who knows. I think my inner motivation to watch, is to answer these questions. Maybe find out how i truly feel about some things. And to see what that 21st question gets into. I mean come on. If that repulsing body part is a preliminary...what on earth is the million-dollar truth? Its a plot by the government to destroy families/relationships and make everyone individualistic instead of collectivistic. ( I remember things from interpersonal comm class!! Thank you Mr. Meachem =0) )


There's a New Year's Party

It's being hosted by a Fem-group. For those that dont know, thats a specific kind of lesbian...also referred to sometimes as "lipstick lesbians". The bash itself isnt strictly for lesbians or bisexuals however. So if you've got the cash, feel free to roll. It sounds like a real good deal and i'm excited to go.


December 31, 2007


SPA 88
88 Fulton Street
New York, NY 10038




* Open Bar from 10pm-11pm
* Free Food
* Private Smoke Room (you don't have to go outside!!!!)
* Heated Olympic Pool (need swimsuits to use pool)
* Lockers & Showers Provided (bring your own lock & towels)
* 7 Lounges and 4 Hot tubs (VIP Ticket Holders Only)
* 6 Private Rooms with Beds (additional cost for rooms)
* Flatscreen TVs all around to see the ball drop for 2008

$20 limited advance tickets
$40 VIP tickets
(more at the door)

Bottle Specials on "Ace of Spades"

Doors Open @ 9pm Sharp!!!
(9pm - 4:30am)

Music provided by:

DJ Hypnotic
DJ Seeka 2000
DJ Hot Rod
DJ Mac Down (The Latin Sensation)

Special Celebrity Guest will be in the House!!!

For tickets call: 212.252.4588




P.S...I Love You

A few things come to mind today....rumor has it that some friends of old are in town for the season and are looking to catch up. I'm thrilled for the chance to see some familiar faces from happier times. Its like pressing play on a tape that you stopped watching some time ago. Good times, goooood times.

As for A Shot At Love...i'm still kind of depressed she picked Bobby. But whatever works for her. Tila's reasoning for not picking Dani was hella flimsy, almost like she was afraid of things to go sour. So as to keep things from going sour, we're gonna just not jump start this rela (that we've already started) and skip all the broken hearts (that we all had to watch while The Fray serenaded it). Her attempt at sparing Dani and herself was....weak. But its all in the past now. Dani is getting hella pussy thrown at her left and right and i'm sure she's satisfied. Good luck to Tila and Bobby V (listen to the whisper...). I'm curious as to who the Bi-bachelorette is gonna be next season. Noooo confused viewers of ASAL...this season was with Tila Tequila...take note as to where her name was in reference to the title. The actual show is A Shot at Love. Every season there will be a new chica looking for love. Any takers on who the next one will be to break hearts?

Although I havent found it listed on his resume, there are rumors going around that he ---->will be playing him ---->
in the upcoming movie for the video game God of War. I'd say thats a umm....perfect match to say the least. Who thinks Mr. Diesel cant pull that one off? I defy you to find me someone you think can do it better! If only there were a Riddick picture similar to this one...

In other actor-related news, I've discovered that i'm actually quite the Butler fan. Gerard Butler to be exact. Unbeknowst to me, he's been enthralled in several movies that I favor greatly...and even some that he didnt command directly. His latest role is opposite that of Hilary Swank in a romance movie I am actually very eager to see, "P.S. I Love You". Just from what i've seen in the many previews, its one for the ages. those of you that dont know the many faces of Gerry, or just cant seem to recall, here's a rundown -
This is typical Gerry...with what has to be steroid/creatin induced, souped-up, 18hr a day 6 day-a-week gym weight training for about 14 months (along with every other male in the famous "300" of this generation). I still dont really believe thats him, but a genetically altered twin that they used and plastered his hairy face on. Talk about putting your all into a role....
Then there's Gerry. Back in the days of (a fave of mine) Dracula 2000. If you dont remember it, go watch. Embrace what Gerry used to be before he "hit it big". Normally we'd all chalk this up to a Baldwin situation (brothers that all share the same face and nothing. else. But he's just that good. It's nice to see him getting away from action...his resume for the future looks like thats all it is (including an "Untouchables" sequel...check it out here


For old times sake...

So I was up late last night, as per my usual, and I watched an episode of “Loaded” (show where they show videos from one artist) featuring one of my favorite bands – Maroon 5. I ended up watching throwback videos of what came to be my most adored songs off the first album. I watched “This Love”, “She Will Be Loved”, and (the best there is) “Sunday Morning”. And as I was watching that last video, it dawned on me that I had a super special Maroon 5 album that my BFF’s husband bought be for my birthday a couple years ago. It was a CD/DVD of Live Friday the 13th…a show they had done earlier in the year and recorded for sale. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was so thoughtful of him. I’m not even sure at this point how he came to get it for me. I may inquire of that later, that is if he even recalls getting it for me in the first place, lol. It was nice to get nostalgic for a little bit…

So, more proof of father’s extra-maritals have surfaced. Neither me or my mother are really phased by it. I’m not because I know his history and expected it…particularly because both of his sons have taken to it as well. She isn’t because we’ve been speaking naturally about it for a while and simply put…my mother’s no fool. She’s gotten the calls, seen him disappear for hours (and I mean he’ll go to the store at 1 & come home at 7 with no $ or groceries), and I’m sure a host of other things. Personally, I’m just curious if I actually do have the little brother or sister (or both) that I always wanted running around out there somewhere. It’d certainly add to the cheer this holiday season. And that’s all I’ll say on that right now. I tell ya, there’s truly nothing like family.


Two Small Notes

she is the cutest little bugger with a baby bump I've ever seen. I just wanna pinch her cheeks. And the article in this magazine is great (in addition to the rest of the magazine as well ^_^). Pick it up, its a great read.

If you dont know yet, Showtime has an awesome show on Sunday nights. Dexter is it's name. If you havent gotten on that train, you need to, its a good one. I've been a huge fan of the show since day one. Tonight is the season finale for season 2 (i'm watching as we speak, and already going apeshit). Get to a blockbuster or netflix, and get down on season 1 so you can be up-to-date on this one. What are you still doing here?? GET.
(season two)

(season one)


And the impossible came down...

So today, a testament was made to what kind of team the Baltimore Ravens really are. In overtime, they lost to the (then 0-13) Miami Dolphins, giving them their first win of the season going into New England next week. I am thrilled for Miami...they managed to not fail the season. But the Ravens i hope, went home and drowned themselves in alcohol of the strongest variety. They were not winning the game at the end of regulation...they scored to tie the game up in the end. Tsk Tsk Bmore. Not a good look. However, not my team. My Pats defeated the Jets to keep their 14-0 record going as they look forward to Miami and then the NY Giants. But, I had a theory. It was Miami & New England. Miami 0-16, NE 16-0. But because of the Ravens and their...efforts..I've resigned myself to my Pats going 15-1....thanks the the Giants. As boring as they are...NE might give them a win. Wouldnt really hurt me any, seeing as how they already took out the Colts and Cowboys, teams that (in my opinion) mattered more. Moving on.

My first meet with my personal trainer is next week. I'm gonna see what our set up will be and hopefully arrange to a 4-a-week regimen. Its not that i need help getting/keeping my weight down, but i need new outlets. All i've been doing is the bike, ablounge, and easy curves - for the girls that dont know...it does wonderful things, EasyCurves
I get bored with things quickly, so i always need something to spice it up, or at least make a change. So i'm hoping he can show me other stuff I can get into that'll keep me focused on my workout and losing the weight. I'm thinking of keeping a workout/weightloss blog on facebook...no one really reads those notes :-) I've changed my weight loss goal to 160lbs because i'd like to get back into gymnastics and the smaller the boobs, the better (anyone who's attempted a cartwheel or handstand knows this).

Hollywood's unleashed its new generation of black actors. These being some of the "old" -
Because (for me) they all came together in "Stomp The Yard" I saw it kind of late. But looking into their movie lineup, they had great work before it and coming up in the next two years. If you dont know, here's your heads-up.

Left to right we've got the three most prominent men in Hollywood right now - Columbus Short, Brian J. White (who gets double the points because he's a former Patriot =D), and Laz Alonso. Columbus, who is the youngest and most inexperienced of the 3 (as far as how much film work has been documented) is up and coming with his breakouts in 3 different genres with three popular movies (Accepted, Stomp The Yard, This Christmas). Brian, who's been seen (by me) as far back as The Best Man, has just as fabulous a range (The Family Stone, Stomp The Yard, The Gameplan, and Daddy's Little Girls). Laz, who stood out to me originally simply because his looks resemble those of Bl", has the bad guy look, and does it well (Jarhead, Stomp The Yard, This Christmas). Its obvious that they put their all into their work and are passionate about it. And that makes me smile and eager to see what they come out with next.

I've allowed myself to become a little selfish in the past couple of weeks. I've been quietly sitting back, watching and waiting and hoping that the fairy of goodness will come by and drop happiness into my lap. I'm realizing that the fairy might have overslept a bit, and I think the selfish side is leaking out some. I dont want it for a christmas gift, I'd just like it. It'd do so many things. Would also expand my exercise repertoire. I truly long for one...and i know with the way they're selling, the price isnt going down anytime soon. So if there's anyone that wants to help me get one, or knows somewhere that i can acquire one on a payment plan, feel free to share it with me. I dont even need games...Wii sports is more than enough.


Saturday, December 15th, 2007 PST

Libra Sign, Symbol Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
It's not easy to keep everything light and easy today, even if life is looking sweet. Any unexpressed resentments can negatively influence your closest relationships now, yet you have a chance to clean up old stuff by bringing your feelings out into the open. This can feel quite scary, but it's your ultimate ticket to love.

I do not do confrontation very well at all. In fact, it might be the reason for the tumor I know is growing on my brain (similar to Lois when she suppresses the stuff that Peter's done on FG). The most recent time I can remember confronting someone on anything was about this time last year. In a fit of anger over something that technically wasnt my responsibility or place, I word-vomited feelings that I guess I had been sitting on for some time. However, because of the way they came out, I almost lost a friend entirely. It was almost two months later that we apologized to each other for the exchange and began rebuilding so to speak. If either one of us had been really petty and chose not to make up, we wouldnt be where we are now. And that saddens and scares me. I love my tweedledee :-)

Years ago, going back to high school, someone who was very close to me, (in my eyes) f3cked up really irreparably bad. The series of bad decisions she made (which i wont go into because....its very high school), led to a complete dismissal of her. Even now, any conversations that arise are strained, and pretty much cover what high school was, how people have grown, and how close we used to be. It's been 5 years and we've been absent from a major part of each other's lives. We lived in two different worlds and no longer have anything in common or new memories to remenisce on. "Remember when that guy did this?" not anymore. I think about her and its a shame things ended the way they did after we were so close for so many years, but for her i think it may have been best. Now she's seeing things with a different eye, and her decisions might be better. Dont get me wrong, if shit ever got serious (like life changes) i'll lend an ear. But i wont be going out of my way to force nice and copacetic between us. We're not what once was.

I dont want either situation to occur again....they both sucked. One resulted in a burned bridge, the other in grounds that were shaky, for a whiiiile (might still be, i cant speak on what her true opinions of me are right now). Why would i wanna put myself into that kind of situation again? Some people cant handle the truth no matter how its presented. I've told people simple things like me thinking they were trying to be a little controlling of their love relas. The result was a week of crying, and then someone else coming in to do damage control. And that was years ago. I cant imagine what would happen with something really serious or involved. So, i'll sit and watch. Typically, people come to their senses themselves and rectify situations, others may not. Not my problem. I welcome others that have that freedom of self to step in. I will only address things, if they are asked of me. Yup


Life Changes

It's coming up on a year now (December 21) that i've been (attempting to) cope with a multitude of health problems that have all been discovered and newly developed. Year 1 was rough enough with me not knowing when my body was gonna battle back against me.

Many females my age dont even know what uterine fibroids are. And if they do, its not because they themselves have experienced it, but maybe their mom or an aunt. Fibroids are supposed to be and older woman inconvenience (they typically occur after pregnancy, the age of 30, or right before menopause). Obviously, i dont fit the bill. I'm 22, no children, and faaaaaar from menopause...unless my body's harboring another surprise. There is one other major cause for fibroids however - being overweight. When someone is more than 25lbs overweight, the body tends to go haywire when it comes to hormones and chemicals. In women specifically, the body can overproduce estrogen, as a, compensation kind of. So they grow and lead to a host of even more inconveniences - heavy menstrual bleeding, pain in the lower abdomen or back, painful sex, peeing like an elderly person. I tell ya, what a year.

I just did research and found that I cant even do the non-hysterectomy treatment, because there's a 60% chance that conceiving will be severely impaired. Hooray for one rung lower on the ladder of uterus-loss. Instead of losing it completely, i just risk losing its primary capabilities. Fair trade.

The other issue I wont even get into because honestly, it embarrasses me greatly. I dont plan to let anyone in on this one for quite a while...or at least til i'm mentally ready. The idea of it still drives me crazy. Nonetheless, i am in the process of getting it fixed permanently. I'm so thrilled that it wont result in me never having kids either. The thought makes me chipper. The procedure is hella painful though, and for some reason will leave me with flu symptoms and possible period symptoms as well, for up to three weeks after. not to mention the 6-month limitation it puts on other stuff. I will cope though, if it means i never have to deal again. ....amazing year.

Between the two problems, i've missed days of school, days of work, slept more than half days, been unable to sleep others, and one doctor thinks they are in part the reason for the big D. i dont doubt it...something i cant directly do anything about and could potentially impair/kill me is not something that can really be sat on & taken in stride. Who wouldnt stress? Time bombs galore.

Of course, everyone's telling me not to worry, "its ok". But its not happening to them. They arent in my position. And i'll be damned if everyone would actually believe that everything will be "totally fine" if they were faced with it all. I'm nowhere near in the clear, and until the right moves are made, i think i'll be stuck in this little sinkhole of medical madness.

I think I feel a panic attack coming on.


Just one of those days

Everyone's had several in life. The days where you wake up and say "this isnt gonna b a good one...not this time". I had that feeling. It started late last night & just came to fruition. I came back on here, hoping to share something nice so as to cheer up the people i depress with this blog. What happens? i get the first three fingers of my right hand smashed into this huge piece of godforsaken wood my father has dumped into the living room. it crams the pc chair, into the pc desk, and in an attempt to get the chair into that space, my fingers get caught between the chair and wood. i now have four swollen digits between my 2 hands. This has got to be a sign. But i digress:

In and Out of Time - Maya Angelou
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
God...how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Lovely Day

I've had just the best day ever today....absolutely. Who could ask for more?

I woke up to discover I wont be doing my paper after all. Help's taken a sick day. As a result, there's really no reason for me to go to school tomorrow...dropping off this measly 8 page isnt gonna get me a passing grade. I'll take the "F" I was resigned to last week, and go about life.

Then the thumb fun. My thumb was incredibly smashed by a hammer. Its currently swollen, blue, and incapable of hanging any lower than when my arm was in a sling. Its apparently not broken though. Father says the next time i smash it, it probably will break. The thought leaves me unnerved. Oh well. Writing is very difficult & aggravating without a thumb....u.g.h.

There's a reason why its best not to get your hopes up. When hopes are dashed, you end up in a place lower than you started. When you have no hope, you either feel better when things happen, or have no change at all when they dont. Its the way to live.

It has been brought to my attention that there really are people that I dont talk to much, but take the time to read...three people in particular. I'm not one to name names, but thank you. It's nice to know that u think enough of me to read, even if you dont share comments directly with me. +5000 cool points

I'm going south for the weekend...I shall return monday. I may be able to squeeze in one more blog before I go.


The Pursuit of Happyness

It is 3:30 in the morning. I’ve got 2 finals (technically today), one at 9am & the other at 1:30 pm, neither of which I’ve really studied for. By the time I get to sleep, if I get to sleep, I’ll only rake in a few hours before I have to be up and on the bus at 7. At best my father will think of someone other than himself and drop me off, giving me til 8. I’ve got 14 pages of paper to do in 2 days, and NO motivation to do them. I think part of me wants to not do them, just so I can fail. Problematic right? It’s getting harder and harder to put in work for school…it really is.

I am too awake right now. I’ve been pacing the house since 11. That’s 4 hours and counting. I would get on the bike and try to burn off energy, but that would involve me running into one or the other, and having questions thrown at me that everyone already knows all the answers to – “what are u still doing up? U need to be sleep. Why don’t u go to sleep, u know u have school. Stop worrying about everything”. Give me the magic pill that turns off the worry/anxiety gland and I’ll get right on it. Promise.

Out of boredom and a need to be engaged, I began watching “The Pursuit of Happyness”. I kinda went along with watching it last time. This time I was actually actively wrapped in it. One quote stood out supremely for me. As Will Smith was saying the first line, I found myself finishing the quote in my head. I agree with it truly, and I often wonder. He was in a phone booth, arguing with his wife after she told him that she was leaving with their son. He hung up the phone and looked down, catching his eye on a nickel (the coin with Thomas Jefferson’s profile on it) –

“It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking, how did he know to put that pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what. How did he know that?”

How did he know that? Did he have some insight into what life really was and understood that no matter how hard you try, with everyone competing for the same thing, happiness will sometimes fall just out of reach? Pursuit is the keyword for everything. Some people spend their lives in pursuit of what they want or just basic needs. There are people older than my parents, still trucking forward, in an endless (and sometimes I wonder if pointless) pursuit for happiness. Others are no longer in the pursuit for happiness, and have settled for the pursuit of life itself. I don’t know if that means they’ve given up on their own happiness, of if they don’t believe in it or what.

I don’t want that to be me. I think that might already be my mom. Sitting here wired for nothing, I recall occasions where I found her in tears. Of course, I’m not to know what brings tears (besides the colossal debt that is the American Educational System), because for some reason, that may take me off my path to destiny. I’m already way off that path. I’ve known that for years. Suspected for even. longer. But who am I to say what pursuit I should be in. There will not be a Christmas in my house this year. Everyone has received their “gifts” already. As I said before, I wont be buying gifts for anyone, and I don’t expect anyone to buy anything for me either. People are very into gifts. What we need, is money. After all of my bills are paid off, I’m putting whatever’s left of my refund into getting her a computer. Her computer’s been failing for two years now, and all anyone does is complain about it. I cant blame her, cause she really doesn’t make much, and she’s being laid off anyway. Her money goes toward the American Educational System, my bills, her bills, and part of the rent. If there’s nothing else I can do for her, I can do that. Even though she’ll fight me tooth and nail when she finds out…

4 in the morning now, the “bewitching hour”. The hour that no1 wants to be woken into because it means the end of a good night’s sleep, and a chance of not getting back to it if u were having one. Oh well. I’m gonna get right back to pacing the floors when I finish this. Absolutely. I’ll fall asleep about 530…thankfully my 730 class doesn’t have a final…I’ll avoid sleeping (or a real sleep) until Thursday afternoon, after I’ve dropped off papers, and then I’ll come home still unable to sleep, but at least over another hump until January 8th comes.

I’ve gone back to not eating again…the nausea’s back. I’ve concluded that, maybe anxiety is the reason for my erratic weight. I either eat too much or not at all. & then when I’m not eating (due to the nausea), I have this ridiculous need to exercise 2-3 hrs, to burn off the energy, to deplete the anxiety, so that I can stomach half a bowl of cereal. The cycle is insane. But then again, maybe it’s all in my head…I’m probably stressing over absolutely nothing. With everyone home for winter break, I have somewhere that I can put my energy. A while back my better ex offered to be my personal trainer, at a very reasonable price, that I might be able to swing for the coming weeks. I might have to take him up on that offer, at least to get my erratic weight under control. In the midst of everything, I still need to get down to 170 before that cruise. I’m getting more and more afraid to go on it…

I miss high school, things were simple. I miss the world before RFK…life was simple. I wake up often wondering what I’m really doing with myself. I don’t have a passion for school. My passion for writing was snubbed out by (in a way) unappreciation. Lack of people willing to read, wanting to read, or even engaging in writing with me depleted it entirely. I don’t even want to write anymore. Writing to people or for people actually angers me sometimes now. I don’t even know where my poetry and storybooks are. I cant even count the people I’ve asked to read that I’m still waiting on…not for opinions, but to READ. I have to ask and ask and ask people to read my blog. The people that do wind up reading and commentating are the ones that I don’t expect. I don’t play a big role in your life, we probably don’t even talk. Why are you giving me minutes out of your day? I appreciate it. Don’t be put off, it’s a good thing. And I really appreciate the responses, not just one-word affirmations. Means you put in thought to. Don’t feel obligated though, I’m not concerned with people reading anymore. This I write for me. This is something I can look back on in a few years. And when I look back I’ll either say “wow, those were rough times” or “jeez, why am I still here”. Its more than likely my own fault anyway. I had to be dealt a personality that doesn’t throw things on other people, that doesn’t persist. Maybe my dislike or repetition is what lead to me “letting things go” in the first place. Confrontation isn’t my forte either. I don’t confront people, I never have. I just wait until things come out and they see them for what they are (pertaining to me or things in general). I do not chase. I will not chase. I’m too aged and too distraught for all that. To each his own I say. Don’t feel tethered by me. I am no one’s responsibility but my own.

4:30, still writing. Writing and reading. Ma will be up soon…father will be back home I suppose. Just got my horoscope…says practicality will pay off for me. Horoscope seems to be the only one to think so.

You may think you need to spend more than you have, especially if pleasure is involved. Fiery Mars energizes your key planet Venus today, helping you justify your actions so you can satisfy your desires, physically or emotionally. Remember, practicality will pay off for you better than indulgence.

That may be one of those horoscopes that fits other libras better than me. I don’t have much to spend, and what I do have, I delegate for necessities. It took me so long to get together money for a perm (if only they were free) that my hair started to fall out. And as a direct result of 7 weeks without treatment, the treatment resulted in *drumroll please* my hair falling out. It’s now uneven, breaking off on the ends, and falling out in part to stress. I don’t know what to do with it. The next 2 perms I get will pull hair out, because my hair has to re-adjust. I am very not ready. Not in the least. I don’t even use $ for food anymore. I utilize my school card very well. I find myself stocking up as if its my own personal grocery store and trucking stuff home. There have been times where I purposely stay late, just so I can get dinner @ quizno’s with my storm money. Metrocards are bought the same way. I haven’t used cash in 4 months. I even bought one of my mother’s monthly cards.

As I’ve said before, I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. There are people reading this right now going “that’s your problem? Easily rectified”. Come, your welcome to help me rectify it. Guide me in the direction I need to be going. I am forever open to help. We owe the government 100,000 so far for schooling…I just discovered that he’s trying to take out a mortgage so he can pay the 300,000 required for him to never have to leave this apartment. It’s all a ticking time bomb just waiting to go. I’m starting to think that guilt is going to be what keeps me here with them, for many years to come. This is me making up for days without a blog. Your welcome.


Like a Cyclone

My horoscope for today kind of surprised me at first...
Libra Sign, Symbol


Libra Horoscope
(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

You may be more socially aware than others because you inherently understand the balance needed for harmony in relationships. Today, however, your patience may wear thin as Venus puts you in touch with your own needs. Even if intense emotions rise to the surface now, trust your logical analysis over irrational intuition for the next few days.

but then i got to really thinking about it. In the last couple of days I've found myself (for what might just be the first time ever) putting my needs and my concerns and myself first. I've learned to actually be less emotional and more logical (in part because of the classes i had to take this semester) in my thoughts and expressions, at least in my opinion. Rationality is a wonderful thing. I wont let any of my relas be forgotten. But if those few cant manage to withstand my life order, they'll just have to be shelved until the ride is over.

I recently d/led & watched "Cyclone", "Hypnotized", and "Body" videos. I was reminded of a previous vision I had in mind. Back when Snoop's "I wanna love you" video came out, I wanted to be the girl in the middle. I wanted to look like her, get myself into some semblance of her shape. At the same time, I told myself I wanted to be a "Deal or No Deal" girl (all they have to do is look the way they do and they get paid for it. America is amazing). But everyone shot that down for me, found reasons why the idea was positively absurd. Now, I decided f3ck negativity. I'm not gonna dismiss my dreams because someone else thinks i'm incapable. That was the old Jacki. I've moved past it...

These "video girls" have restored my faith in myself and put me back on track. Last week, overeating, under-exercising, and drowning in drinks threw me way off my path. Watching those videos (particularly "Cyclone"), has reminded me of my goals and what I want to be. So i'm super reinforcing my workout schedule and sticking to my eating plans. I've got a time frame on my goals and i so need to get there. I dont care what plans are made from here on out, nothing will interfere with my weight loss goals. I'm not in it for the world...just for my own peace of mind. In four months, I will be moving my body like a cyclone.

Christmas Time

Definitely the most incredible gift i've ever gotten in my life. so far. I am absolutely content with this and nothing else. Period.


Shining Light

Wow. who would have thought that school would pay. off. So I got a refund check from overpaid tuition money. They gave me a check for $2900. Holy crap. I'm so thrilled. I've already gotten all of my credit cards paid down. I even forwarded $ for my cruise! The money left over was tossed into an account that I cant touch until May, when I get my spring refund check ($3700). its going to join and be left to accrue so that maybe I can put it towards my own place or something. I might consider putting up with insufferable teachers for a bit longer if the outcomes are gonna stay the same. I think the holidays might be a little positive after all. Hooray for the end of (school) days!


New Beginnings

So the day has finally wrapped up. I went to the funeral this morning (mentioned a few entries back) and didnt cry. I teared up slightly when the director of her dance troupe got up and spoke, but other than that, not a thing all day. I cant do it. I'm still SO mad at her for giving up and (what we suspect) indirectly killing herself. There was no reason 4 her, with no serious health problems, to die at 77. None. My personal cut off (from which you are allowed to say "yea, i'm kinda tired") is 82. NO sooner. Man or woman. period. I also havent exactly come to terms with her dying. I still expect to hear her ring my doorbell, to see her walking outside. I guess the proverbial nail in the coffin would be seeing new neighbors going in and out of her house. Maybe then....

I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....

I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.

I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....

Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.