It is 3:30 in the morning. I’ve got 2 finals (technically today), one at 9am & the other at 1:30 pm, neither of which I’ve really studied for. By the time I get to sleep, if I get to sleep, I’ll only rake in a few hours before I have to be up and on the bus at 7. At best my father will think of someone other than himself and drop me off, giving me til 8. I’ve got 14 pages of paper to do in 2 days, and NO motivation to do them. I think part of me wants to not do them, just so I can fail. Problematic right? It’s getting harder and harder to put in work for school…it really is. I am too awake right now. I’ve been pacing the house since 11. That’s 4 hours and counting. I would get on the bike and try to burn off energy, but that would involve me running into one or the other, and having questions thrown at me that everyone already knows all the answers to – “what are u still doing up? U need to be sleep. Why don’t u go to sleep, u know u have school. Stop worrying about everything”. Give me the magic pill that turns off the worry/anxiety gland and I’ll get right on it. Promise.
Out of boredom and a need to be engaged, I began watching “The Pursuit of Happyness”. I kinda went along with watching it last time. This time I was actually actively wrapped in it. One quote stood out supremely for me. As Will Smith was saying the first line, I found myself finishing the quote in my head. I agree with it truly, and I often wonder. He was in a phone booth, arguing with his wife after she told him that she was leaving with their son. He hung up the phone and looked down, catching his eye on a nickel (the coin with Thomas Jefferson’s profile on it) –
“It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking, how did he know to put that pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what. How did he know that?”
How did he know that? Did he have some insight into what life really was and understood that no matter how hard you try, with everyone competing for the same thing, happiness will sometimes fall just out of reach? Pursuit is the keyword for everything. Some people spend their lives in pursuit of what they want or just basic needs. There are people older than my parents, still trucking forward, in an endless (and sometimes I wonder if pointless) pursuit for happiness. Others are no longer in the pursuit for happiness, and have settled for the pursuit of life itself. I don’t know if that means they’ve given up on their own happiness, of if they don’t believe in it or what.
I don’t want that to be me. I think that might already be my mom. Sitting here wired for nothing, I recall occasions where I found her in tears. Of course, I’m not to know what brings tears (besides the colossal debt that is the American Educational System), because for some reason, that may take me off my path to destiny. I’m already way off that path. I’ve known that for years. Suspected for even. longer. But who am I to say what pursuit I should be in. There will not be a Christmas in my house this year. Everyone has received their “gifts” already. As I said before, I wont be buying gifts for anyone, and I don’t expect anyone to buy anything for me either. People are very into gifts. What we need, is money. After all of my bills are paid off, I’m putting whatever’s left of my refund into getting her a computer. Her computer’s been failing for two years now, and all anyone does is complain about it. I cant blame her, cause she really doesn’t make much, and she’s being laid off anyway. Her money goes toward the American Educational System, my bills, her bills, and part of the rent. If there’s nothing else I can do for her, I can do that. Even though she’ll fight me tooth and nail when she finds out…
4 in the morning now, the “bewitching hour”. The hour that no1 wants to be woken into because it means the end of a good night’s sleep, and a chance of not getting back to it if u were having one. Oh well. I’m gonna get right back to pacing the floors when I finish this. Absolutely. I’ll fall asleep about 530…thankfully my 730 class doesn’t have a final…I’ll avoid sleeping (or a real sleep) until Thursday afternoon, after I’ve dropped off papers, and then I’ll come home still unable to sleep, but at least over another hump until January 8th comes.
I’ve gone back to not eating again…the nausea’s back. I’ve concluded that, maybe anxiety is the reason for my erratic weight. I either eat too much or not at all. & then when I’m not eating (due to the nausea), I have this ridiculous need to exercise 2-3 hrs, to burn off the energy, to deplete the anxiety, so that I can stomach half a bowl of cereal. The cycle is insane. But then again, maybe it’s all in my head…I’m probably stressing over absolutely nothing. With everyone home for winter break, I have somewhere that I can put my energy. A while back my better ex offered to be my personal trainer, at a very reasonable price, that I might be able to swing for the coming weeks. I might have to take him up on that offer, at least to get my erratic weight under control. In the midst of everything, I still need to get down to 170 before that cruise. I’m getting more and more afraid to go on it…
I miss high school, things were simple. I miss the world before RFK…life was simple. I wake up often wondering what I’m really doing with myself. I don’t have a passion for school. My passion for writing was snubbed out by (in a way) unappreciation. Lack of people willing to read, wanting to read, or even engaging in writing with me depleted it entirely. I don’t even want to write anymore. Writing to people or for people actually angers me sometimes now. I don’t even know where my poetry and storybooks are. I cant even count the people I’ve asked to read that I’m still waiting on…not for opinions, but to READ. I have to ask and ask and ask people to read my blog. The people that do wind up reading and commentating are the ones that I don’t expect. I don’t play a big role in your life, we probably don’t even talk. Why are you giving me minutes out of your day? I appreciate it. Don’t be put off, it’s a good thing. And I really appreciate the responses, not just one-word affirmations. Means you put in thought to. Don’t feel obligated though, I’m not concerned with people reading anymore. This I write for me. This is something I can look back on in a few years. And when I look back I’ll either say “wow, those were rough times” or “jeez, why am I still here”. Its more than likely my own fault anyway. I had to be dealt a personality that doesn’t throw things on other people, that doesn’t persist. Maybe my dislike or repetition is what lead to me “letting things go” in the first place. Confrontation isn’t my forte either. I don’t confront people, I never have. I just wait until things come out and they see them for what they are (pertaining to me or things in general). I do not chase. I will not chase. I’m too aged and too distraught for all that. To each his own I say. Don’t feel tethered by me. I am no one’s responsibility but my own.
4:30, still writing. Writing and reading. Ma will be up soon…father will be back home I suppose. Just got my horoscope…says practicality will pay off for me. Horoscope seems to be the only one to think so.
You may think you need to spend more than you have, especially if pleasure is involved. Fiery Mars energizes your key planet Venus today, helping you justify your actions so you can satisfy your desires, physically or emotionally. Remember, practicality will pay off for you better than indulgence.
That may be one of those horoscopes that fits other libras better than me. I don’t have much to spend, and what I do have, I delegate for necessities. It took me so long to get together money for a perm (if only they were free) that my hair started to fall out. And as a direct result of 7 weeks without treatment, the treatment resulted in *drumroll please* my hair falling out. It’s now uneven, breaking off on the ends, and falling out in part to stress. I don’t know what to do with it. The next 2 perms I get will pull hair out, because my hair has to re-adjust. I am very not ready. Not in the least. I don’t even use $ for food anymore. I utilize my school card very well. I find myself stocking up as if its my own personal grocery store and trucking stuff home. There have been times where I purposely stay late, just so I can get dinner @ quizno’s with my storm money. Metrocards are bought the same way. I haven’t used cash in 4 months. I even bought one of my mother’s monthly cards.
As I’ve said before, I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. There are people reading this right now going “that’s your problem? Easily rectified”. Come, your welcome to help me rectify it. Guide me in the direction I need to be going. I am forever open to help. We owe the government 100,000 so far for schooling…I just discovered that he’s trying to take out a mortgage so he can pay the 300,000 required for him to never have to leave this apartment. It’s all a ticking time bomb just waiting to go. I’m starting to think that guilt is going to be what keeps me here with them, for many years to come. This is me making up for days without a blog. Your welcome.
(season two)
