Ramblings of the Confused

I had a blog for yesterday and today. But the more I talked to people, the more I started thinking, "maybe I shouldn’t be posting at all". It left me sadder than I was in the first place. I feel bad for feeling bad. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I need too much too often with no real reason. I've got a never-ending headache behind all of this. I've deduced that there actually is something wrong with me. Functioning gets harder by the day. School is getting in the way of I’m not sure what.

I used to write....I’d send people letters all the time. Big groups of them. I got back from one person every time. A lot of times i found out later that my letters were even discarded or tossed aside. I'm one to keep things...especially when i know someone put their time and thought into them. But again, that’s just me.

It’s been a weird few days. So much has happened and not at the same time. I think I’m under a ridiculous amount of stress and then I’m compounding it somehow. My body's lashing out at me for it too. That's probably the reason for the increase in problems. I get irritated so easily lately. Fun comes....rarely. It’s almost like i want to be alone with myself at times. But I don’t...I hate being alone. It’s the worst feeling. Especially when no one else is.

I've been trying to get into more things at school..reluctantly. My mother thinks that I need to make new friends, people with similar interests. She's forgetting that means and opportunity create a huuuuge line. The people I see at school have nothing in common with me past the school & our major. Once classes end, they hop in their cars and go back to long island and to their jobs.

I feel sorry for myself, its true. And some people think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, very possible. But no one’s lives my life but me. No one has a real insight except for those that are here everyday. Only I see and hear what’s going on around me and about me. And it sucks. It’s times like these I wish I actually had a twin. Maybe we could switch roles for a while, see how the other lives.

I’ve got a nephew, a real bright kid. Up until 6 months ago, he was looking forward to college. Then life at home and with his friends suddenly changed. Now, he’s saying ‘f3ck college’ and is basically looking for a permanent, steady job, at the age of 17. I don’t blame him. Its not like college throws you headlong into the workforce anymore anyway. If a man who’s had a well-paying job that he did well for over a decade, can lose it to the friend of his new boss who’s got more experience and training in beer pong than corporate…what hope is there for anyone else? Its not what you know, its who you know. And I’m sad to say, we don’t know anyone.

I’d like to give up on college…I’m not cut out for it. I tried to give up once before but I couldn’t stand hearing my (non-college attending) parents go on and on about what a waste I was. The more I think about it, the less motivated I am. I’d really rather be someplace else entirely. I think I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m gonna be just like my parents, or moreso like my mother. Resenting some key decisions and resenting her parents as well. I would resent life a little but there’s a small spark in it, a glimmer of hope. Him I don’t deserve. Not yet anyway. There’s better for him out there, I’m holding him back a bit.

I haven’t done anything noteworthy in my 22 years except overcome an illness meant for the Asian population. And even that was sheer luck. I just want to do something that people will talk about positively. A legacy of some sort. Am I asking for too much?