Flying Solo

Have you ever felt infinitely lonely? Like you’re in so deep you’ll never really recover from it? I hate being alone…and I hate feeling as if I am. But at the same time, something inside of me is saying “you need to be alone, you have to be. It’s necessary.” People are noticing, but I guess positively and negatively, they’re disregarding it entirely. Maybe a sign I need to handle this stuff on my own. I miss friends….real friends. It’s as if they’ve all gone off with better things to do. Things that don’t really need me bringing them down. I don’t blame them. I need to find my own anyway.

Here’s my horoscope for today (11/18) – The Moon in futuristic Aquarius can create emotional distance between people today. Although we can be quite social now, we may feel detached from what’s happening in our immediate environment, or even from our own feelings. Logical Mercury forms a tense semisquare with overconfident Jupiter, enabling us to think big and back it up with the right words. Although we can make things sound wonderful, we are still challenged by our inability to relax.

I’ve been feeling like that for weeks now. I find it harder and harder to react to anything at all. I’m supposed to see Dane Cook tonight at MSG and the way I feel right now, I’d sell my ticket if I could, no hesitation. I don’t want to go out…I don’t want to be around people. Because they’ll do nothing but ask me what’s wrong with me, why am I so blah. I need to cheer up. Yea…if it was only that easy. My boyfriend just called me in a frenzy because his grandmother is really sick out of nowhere. He’s panicked, very understandably and I can’t help him. It’s like everything I’m saying to comfort him isn’t even coming from me. Like I’m watching a robot say words that are expected to be said in that kind of situation. I want to be more of a girlfriend to him right now and I just can’t do it.

I don’t know where it’s coming from or what’s fueling it, but I’ve given up on people. I don’t depend on them anymore. I don’t expect them to see things as I see them. How can I? They aren’t even in my position. It’s as if I’m going at it all solo. I’m out of emotion, completely out of it. But then at the same time, a wave of realization will settle on me and I can’t stop crying. I’m not crying about anything of particular importance to anyone, just things that may matter to me somewhere deep down. I can’t connect with people anymore. It’s as if there’s a switch that’s been activated. I’ve gone back in time to my days at Oneonta, when I dealt with my own little demon that no one else was even aware of. It’s back with a vengeance. A plus side to this whole situation is that I’m losing weight. I’m 7lbs from my 1^st goal, and then I can work on the rest.

I want to be happy. I want normal emotion levels…or any emotions at all. I’m tired of feeling like this. I want to be the me I once was. I miss her and I miss my comfort.