Waiting....

I really thought it was just me thats been feeling this weird pull. Ever since this year kicked off there's just been this weird. pull. It's as if something big is waiting around the corner.

The first half of the year, up until May sorta, it was personal health problems. I missed ridiculous amounts of school last semester in and outta doctors & hospitals. They carried on through my summer job, just not severe enough to really require the doctors.

But this semester has just been shit. September marked some kind of cavalcade of madness in the big book of life. This semester completely topped the last one. In addition to my repeated health issues (i'm convinced that my body is slowly rejecting its own existence), there's insane people, and then other people and sudden health debacles.

I was told from a young age "at the end of every year, God has a quota to fill." And every year it seems to ring truer. Most if not everyone knows that a couple days after my birthday this year I lost my closest cousin to an illness that hasnt even been explained. Tonight, my parents came home and informed me that my neighbor, who's been like a third grandmother to me for my entire life, just passed away on her way to the hospital. They've concluded that she stroked early this morning while people were out. Because of how she fell, her lungs began 2 fill up with water and she pratically drowned. All of the above led to congestive heart failure and they never got her breathing on her own again.

When I first heard, i completely brushed it off. I mean honestly, she was dancing in the Rockaway Revue in August with her peppy little self. Its actually starting to sink in now and its making me absolutely miserable. I. dont. handle problems well. School's suffered enough this year. its coming down to the wire and i feel like everything is falling on my shoulders now. I dont even have the will to finish my papers. I actually would rather set them all ablaze on the stove top. I cant believe she's actually gone. I've got three days of class left and there will be a funeral smack in the middle.

I'm in a never-ending wait cycle. I'm incessantly waiting for the next ball to drop, the next dam to burst. I'm trying to hold it all together, keep myself in order. But it's just getting harder. Ugh i'm so frustrated at the world. It's been a very rough month and right now, i am just waiting for 2008 to peek its head in and say hello.