Family Matters - 300 Pt 2

Yesterday, as part of my job as a dispatcher, I had to go out on the road with a driver while he took a bus through the 4 important boroughs. Luckily for me, I ended up with my dad which meant that I didnt have to pay a whole lot of attention, and I didnt have to worry about being talked to death (my other option was a man who made a comment about how i wasnt skinny, but he could get with a bigger girl 'no problem'. i'm sure my dad was as close to vomiting as I was). I spent my time reading and staring out the window, occasionally engaging in convo with the passengers he picked up.

But when i'm left alone long enough, I tend to start thinking. I start looking back on the steps i've taken and where I am, reliving memories - both good and bad - and rehashing old ideas. I started thinking, really thinking, about my history. How I used to be. And, not that I'm that odd, but I used to be much more normal years ago. Thinking about it, I found the breaking point. The moment in which the Jax I am today was born. And that was a cold day in February of 1997. That was the day that my brother decided he was moving west, and taking my nephews with him.

My brother was born in 1965. I was born in 1985. His children, my nephews, were born in 1990. They were a major part of my life for 7 years. Seven years of my childhood was wrapped around them. They were, for all intents and purposes, my brothers. And although i'm sure it's nothing like a parent losing a child, it didnt change the fact that it felt to me like a part of me left with them. I just havent been the same since. I lost a giant piece of me that day and I've just never gotten it back. And the result is, I missed the biggest events of their lives, and now, of their little brothers too. Everytime I think of it I cry a little inside.

Two points in my life i'd like to go back to. One - that cold day in february. Two - the first day of high school. I'd be with my future husband to this day if only i'd made a couple better decisions in high school. Sigh, if only.