Finding Myself

I was wandering through facebook, when i stumbled upon the page of my dear New Jack. She had a different kind of app that i hadnt seen before, one involving horoscopes. My interests were genuinely piqued, so i added the app to my own page. Clicking through, i found that they detailed each sign, and this is what was said regarding mine ---> Diplomatic, Urbane, Romantic, Charming, Easygoing, Sociable, Idealistic and Peaceable

Indecisive, Changeable, Gullible, Easily Infuenced, Flirtatious and Self-Indulgent

Librans are the Zodiac's seekers of balance, harmony and justice. Librans do best when paired up with others. They do not really care to be alone. Those they pair with can count on them to be fair and avoid conflict if possible. Often Libras may seem a bit indecisive. This is because in their efforts to be fair they must study every angle of a situation before making a decision. They really are out to do what is best for all. Libras are master strategists and organizers. Librans are friendly, sociable and can charm anyone who engages them in conversation. When bored they quickly become lethargic and may need those around them to supply the spark to get them back on track. Librans love to know everything about the people around them. They are always diplomatic and not averse to compromise--particularly if it will avoid discord. While Librans may not be team leaders, they can be counted on to plan any project's steps well. Their sense of fairness will also help lessen the number of conflicts that arise between project members. Libra's great gift to us all is we can trust them to be unbiased in their decisions at all times.

The Libra In Love: Librans love the home and marriage. Time with their lover and family makes them feel complete. To a large extent their love relationship will become their identity. Libras can be very sensual and eager to explore both the spiritual and physical limits of their relationships. Shaping their relationship and creating entrancing moments is where the Libra focuses its creativity. Their ultimate goal is pleasure and harmony. Libras prefer to be the pursued, rather than pursue. The more attention their mate pours upon them, the happier they will be. Librans are best involved with a special person who understands their need for romance and their search for the perfect environment. They are co-operative, imaginative and willing to experiment with all manner of relationship styles. The happy Libra is one whose relationship is not simply a coupling, but the joining of two people to go through life as one.

Ideal Jobs Include: Librans are well-suited to careers as diplomats, judges, public relations consultants, counselors, psychologists and artists.

Most Compatible With: Aquarius, Gemini, or Libra i bolded the ideas that i felt fit me (personally) the best. Others may disagree, probably will. I'm open to other opinions. I really am a true libra. I embody so much of what it said to make up a libra. I think the center of my being is what would be considered "negative" aspects. I am terribly indecisive, gullible to the point where i'll fall for everything, and so easily changeable that the only stable environment i've had in the last 5 years is my house. (and depending on your definition of stable, i might not even be able to stand on that.) The flirtatious thing is..so not libra. Libras just happen to be natural flirts. I'm not saying i'm defined by my sign, but i have molded myself into a form of it early on. Even my career choice is reflected in it...boss. I like being a libra. I do enjoy being the center of attention on occasion (as libras are the center of the zodiac). If only i could get the whole "overly emotional" thing under control...

All In The Family

God i love my nephews. I love them to death. We've built a great relationship these past 18 years and I feel especially honored that they feel they can come to me about anything. It makes me feel special...and more important than their 'aunt', my sister. (Because they're only 5 years younger than me, I have them call me by my name, not auntie. we're more like siblings anyway.) On a separate but similar note...i found out my sister told my nephews i was a whore, because i have a tongue ring. She said, quoting the boy, "she's suck anyone's dick". Really sis? really? At least my guy isnt running to my father asking for help on how to get away from me and the relationship. Asking for help even because he knows that daddy went through it...with your. mother. But i digress...

My twins have been dropping bombshell after bombshell on me, knowing that i wont tell my dad about it, but i'll still give them advice. They're house is a mess, with their newest stepmom being a total bitch to them. Apparently she's made claims of spitting in their food...shoving them around, throwing her kids above them as opposed to the Brady Bunch equality. Then there are the rumors of their father bumming around with his wife and weed...taking his son's $ because he's the only one in the house with a job. Terrible things...talking down about their birth mother...in front of them...to his new wife.

All of that didnt bother me as much as when I heard that one nephew wasnt going to college next fall because he hadnt been able to apply. He took his father's word at more than face value when he said "dont worry, i'll take care of it". And is now screwed. "Auntie" Jacki cant do much for him in november, from NY, when apps r typically in by the beginning of the month. I do hope he took my advice and attempted some apps on his own though... The other twin, has given up on college entirely, because it means he's stuck in "Hell House" for at least two more years. he is currently, at 17.5 years of age, trying to get a job on the East Coast that will keep him here, and dismissing thoughts of school altogether. It makes me sad...i had my highest hopes for him. =(

But the bullshit that made MY jaw drop, was when i was informed of just how lowdown and tricky my family is and can be. My darling nephew asked me to take him to brownsville so he could see his little brother. Little brother? but Roc lives with them. Ah, and there lies the rub. Apparently big brother bobby went and had himself a child out of wedlock. And oh, is little Kevin a Williams if there ever was one. His mother was even nice enough to allow him the family forehead. what a gem. He fits right in line with the rest of us. So i have a brand spanking new 9 year old nephew. Glorious. I cant wait to embrace him and welcome him to our wonders. Our lovely complicating-the-world family.

Makes me think like father like son. There's been long time rumors of daddy dearest doing the same. Probably sparked and fanned by his constant disappearances for hours down on "the avenue". Persisted by him not coming home or..answering his phone when people need him. And seeing as how he currently has children with four different women, its not that far-fetched. Old dogs dont change their ways. Nope, nope. Neither mommy nor I are really that concerned however (unless i have little siblings somewhere, cuz thats fucked up i asked for some til i was 13), cuz we're both older. I'm gonna be stepping out of this house in the next two years if it kills me...and she's not gonna go off and find a stallion..she's content with herself. We are not like my sisters & their moms. Oh no. Besides...i've shared my opinions on him with her already on repeated occasions. Thats just me.

What would life truly be without family?

Waiting....

I really thought it was just me thats been feeling this weird pull. Ever since this year kicked off there's just been this weird. pull. It's as if something big is waiting around the corner.

The first half of the year, up until May sorta, it was personal health problems. I missed ridiculous amounts of school last semester in and outta doctors & hospitals. They carried on through my summer job, just not severe enough to really require the doctors.

But this semester has just been shit. September marked some kind of cavalcade of madness in the big book of life. This semester completely topped the last one. In addition to my repeated health issues (i'm convinced that my body is slowly rejecting its own existence), there's insane people, and then other people and sudden health debacles.

I was told from a young age "at the end of every year, God has a quota to fill." And every year it seems to ring truer. Most if not everyone knows that a couple days after my birthday this year I lost my closest cousin to an illness that hasnt even been explained. Tonight, my parents came home and informed me that my neighbor, who's been like a third grandmother to me for my entire life, just passed away on her way to the hospital. They've concluded that she stroked early this morning while people were out. Because of how she fell, her lungs began 2 fill up with water and she pratically drowned. All of the above led to congestive heart failure and they never got her breathing on her own again.

When I first heard, i completely brushed it off. I mean honestly, she was dancing in the Rockaway Revue in August with her peppy little self. Its actually starting to sink in now and its making me absolutely miserable. I. dont. handle problems well. School's suffered enough this year. its coming down to the wire and i feel like everything is falling on my shoulders now. I dont even have the will to finish my papers. I actually would rather set them all ablaze on the stove top. I cant believe she's actually gone. I've got three days of class left and there will be a funeral smack in the middle.

I'm in a never-ending wait cycle. I'm incessantly waiting for the next ball to drop, the next dam to burst. I'm trying to hold it all together, keep myself in order. But it's just getting harder. Ugh i'm so frustrated at the world. It's been a very rough month and right now, i am just waiting for 2008 to peek its head in and say hello.

Resolutions

It may seem shallow, but i've never actually owned a real piece of jewelry. Next question - "what exactly do you call real?" well, not necessarily expensive, as you can see, but something nice, complementary, and that isn't bought in a silver store (claire's, icing, delia's). I dont typically count my graduation rings...they're graduation rings. I would like a piece of jewelry acquired for a different reason; a more substantial reason. The last pieces of really nice jewelry i got I bought for myself, a yellow gold pair of 'J' earrings that match my nameplate necklace. Albeit, they only come out for special occasions (for fear of my luck losing one in the grimey streets of NY and inadvertently giving some lucky guy named John or Jimmy or Jamal some shiny new ear candy), but i do wear them. And I adore them. I hope to acquire this pretty piece (or something along its lines by the time I come up with real $) to complete my set =0) but on to other matters.

This Bracelet


Happy Thanksgiving! The year really went by fast...i look forward to the new one...tired of '07 already *yawn*. I want school to end already. I'm actually not sure if i'm gonna pass this semester. Shame that thought doesnt scare me though...probably.

Found out i've gotta see two more doctors this week. monday i sign up 4 one and actually see the other. Outcomes to be reported later. I've had one of the most medically eventful weeks of the year, by far. And i am so past ready to step to the next one.

Sadly, Christmas has been canceled this year, at least the part that involves gifts. The most i can do is give away my time, that is if people want that as a gift. Monies are supa-tight & times are hard. Along the same lines, i dont expect anything for christmas, and i'm not asking for anything either. I mean, come on...thats just wrong.

The End =0)

Ramblings of the Confused

I had a blog for yesterday and today. But the more I talked to people, the more I started thinking, "maybe I shouldn’t be posting at all". It left me sadder than I was in the first place. I feel bad for feeling bad. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I need too much too often with no real reason. I've got a never-ending headache behind all of this. I've deduced that there actually is something wrong with me. Functioning gets harder by the day. School is getting in the way of I’m not sure what.

I used to write....I’d send people letters all the time. Big groups of them. I got back from one person every time. A lot of times i found out later that my letters were even discarded or tossed aside. I'm one to keep things...especially when i know someone put their time and thought into them. But again, that’s just me.

It’s been a weird few days. So much has happened and not at the same time. I think I’m under a ridiculous amount of stress and then I’m compounding it somehow. My body's lashing out at me for it too. That's probably the reason for the increase in problems. I get irritated so easily lately. Fun comes....rarely. It’s almost like i want to be alone with myself at times. But I don’t...I hate being alone. It’s the worst feeling. Especially when no one else is.

I've been trying to get into more things at school..reluctantly. My mother thinks that I need to make new friends, people with similar interests. She's forgetting that means and opportunity create a huuuuge line. The people I see at school have nothing in common with me past the school & our major. Once classes end, they hop in their cars and go back to long island and to their jobs.

I feel sorry for myself, its true. And some people think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, very possible. But no one’s lives my life but me. No one has a real insight except for those that are here everyday. Only I see and hear what’s going on around me and about me. And it sucks. It’s times like these I wish I actually had a twin. Maybe we could switch roles for a while, see how the other lives.

I’ve got a nephew, a real bright kid. Up until 6 months ago, he was looking forward to college. Then life at home and with his friends suddenly changed. Now, he’s saying ‘f3ck college’ and is basically looking for a permanent, steady job, at the age of 17. I don’t blame him. Its not like college throws you headlong into the workforce anymore anyway. If a man who’s had a well-paying job that he did well for over a decade, can lose it to the friend of his new boss who’s got more experience and training in beer pong than corporate…what hope is there for anyone else? Its not what you know, its who you know. And I’m sad to say, we don’t know anyone.

I’d like to give up on college…I’m not cut out for it. I tried to give up once before but I couldn’t stand hearing my (non-college attending) parents go on and on about what a waste I was. The more I think about it, the less motivated I am. I’d really rather be someplace else entirely. I think I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m gonna be just like my parents, or moreso like my mother. Resenting some key decisions and resenting her parents as well. I would resent life a little but there’s a small spark in it, a glimmer of hope. Him I don’t deserve. Not yet anyway. There’s better for him out there, I’m holding him back a bit.

I haven’t done anything noteworthy in my 22 years except overcome an illness meant for the Asian population. And even that was sheer luck. I just want to do something that people will talk about positively. A legacy of some sort. Am I asking for too much?

Flying Solo

Have you ever felt infinitely lonely? Like you’re in so deep you’ll never really recover from it? I hate being alone…and I hate feeling as if I am. But at the same time, something inside of me is saying “you need to be alone, you have to be. It’s necessary.” People are noticing, but I guess positively and negatively, they’re disregarding it entirely. Maybe a sign I need to handle this stuff on my own. I miss friends….real friends. It’s as if they’ve all gone off with better things to do. Things that don’t really need me bringing them down. I don’t blame them. I need to find my own anyway.

Here’s my horoscope for today (11/18) – The Moon in futuristic Aquarius can create emotional distance between people today. Although we can be quite social now, we may feel detached from what’s happening in our immediate environment, or even from our own feelings. Logical Mercury forms a tense semisquare with overconfident Jupiter, enabling us to think big and back it up with the right words. Although we can make things sound wonderful, we are still challenged by our inability to relax.

I’ve been feeling like that for weeks now. I find it harder and harder to react to anything at all. I’m supposed to see Dane Cook tonight at MSG and the way I feel right now, I’d sell my ticket if I could, no hesitation. I don’t want to go out…I don’t want to be around people. Because they’ll do nothing but ask me what’s wrong with me, why am I so blah. I need to cheer up. Yea…if it was only that easy. My boyfriend just called me in a frenzy because his grandmother is really sick out of nowhere. He’s panicked, very understandably and I can’t help him. It’s like everything I’m saying to comfort him isn’t even coming from me. Like I’m watching a robot say words that are expected to be said in that kind of situation. I want to be more of a girlfriend to him right now and I just can’t do it.

I don’t know where it’s coming from or what’s fueling it, but I’ve given up on people. I don’t depend on them anymore. I don’t expect them to see things as I see them. How can I? They aren’t even in my position. It’s as if I’m going at it all solo. I’m out of emotion, completely out of it. But then at the same time, a wave of realization will settle on me and I can’t stop crying. I’m not crying about anything of particular importance to anyone, just things that may matter to me somewhere deep down. I can’t connect with people anymore. It’s as if there’s a switch that’s been activated. I’ve gone back in time to my days at Oneonta, when I dealt with my own little demon that no one else was even aware of. It’s back with a vengeance. A plus side to this whole situation is that I’m losing weight. I’m 7lbs from my 1^st goal, and then I can work on the rest.

I want to be happy. I want normal emotion levels…or any emotions at all. I’m tired of feeling like this. I want to be the me I once was. I miss her and I miss my comfort.

The Line

When you've got know where else to turn, blogging is the way to go. Inspired by a very good buddy of mine, i've taken it upon myself to express my thoughts here. This wont be too bad for a first entry.

Have you ever had an experience where someone took the idea of "above and beyond" too far? Like initially you brush it off as a kindness, but with time you begin to wonder. That's been my place as of late. What do you do when your professor crosses the line? I mean, essentially, they hold your life in their hands...they can technically pass you or fail you at will, even if your work says contrary.

I guess it was my bad luck having someone so close to me pass away that brought all of this on in the first place. A very close cousin died early october, right after my birthday. I took time off from school for her funeral because it was important to me. When i came back, for some reason unknown to me, things had changed. This professor took something that was a private matter between my family and the administration and shared it with my class. Innocent enough, sure. He got the class to sign a card for me. Very nice and appreciated. But then it got weirder. His next step was to ask if he could come to my house and "pray with the family", because he is a priest. Thats all well and good and nice i'm sure, but my parents have their own parish with their own priest...they didnt need his presence. He started making it a point to direct attention to me in class, asking me questions about my home life and my family, during. class. Because i'm still not putting much thought behind the situation i respond, of course not being all revealing because...i dont know this man from adam. I guess that wasnt enough for him as he got hold of my cell phone number and called me 8:30 at night asking if it was ok for him to "visit". Never in my 18 years of schooling...has any teacher wanted to visit my house, me a student. and i spent almost all of those 18 years in catholic schools...with priests and nuns galore.

Mother dearest initially was pissed off at this fact and proceeded to call his phone, before class, and telling him in no uncertain terms that his concern was appreciated, but not welcome by the family as we had our own ways of handling the situation. That worked for all of a day. After that, he started referring to me as "his friend in the corner at the back of the classroom". Other people would ask him questions about himself and he'd somehow work me into it. There was some event being held at his church which he said was nearby him. A fellow student, not really wanting to learn about theology, asked him where he lived. His response? "oh, not far from my friend in the back of the classroom, although she never comes to visit me" Why in the fuck would i go visit a professor at his home ever for any reason? That in itself is suspect. Of course, as my generation does, everyone turned to look at me and started whispering and laughing, while he stands there with a retarded grin on his face. I know what they were thinking, because I would have thought it too with what he said - "whats she doing going to see him" and "ooh, i wonder why he knows where she lives". yea...its not obvious what that looks like.

Anyone who knows me knows that i dont handle conflict well at all. Because of this douche, I forfeited two weeks of classes and missed god knows how much homework. I felt that if i wasnt there, he couldnt embarass me in front of the class. But him erasing the line carried over for me. I have all male teachers...so when i do go to class i sit and wonder, panicked, whats going on in their minds as they look at me...are they like him? Its even gotten to the point now where i have nightmares of this guy following me around and even talking to my friends trying to get information from them. i havent really slept in weeks. i wake up afraid that my dreams are real and he's actually that close to me all the time. Mother, knowing all of this, is dismissing it entirely. she's like the chic in an abusive relationship that copes by saying that they're just love taps. she tells me to go to school and sit there in class, "try to ignore him, u only hav a couple weeks to go, just cope u'll be fine" (this from the same person who thought that my depression was a tantrum that i could turn on and off) a couple which was in reality 7 weeks, and is currently still 4 to go. She is not me, and she apparently doesnt know me, because i cant just sit and brush off the inappropriate comments and the stares i get from the class of 40. its ridiculous.

But i've found someone a little smarter, someone who actually took the time to consider my situation. Unlike my parents who basically told me to take it on the chin, this person told me to take it higher..to a dean. I still have Creepy McGee's voicemail and it isnt like people in my class cant vouch for what he's said to me. So, i'm going to attempt class for the last time today. Maybe he'll make one more dumbass comment...it'll be more fuel for me to take down to the office afterwards. Whether my grades are affected or not, i cant have my sanity destroyed by this one man. ...so much for parents.