Growth

There are many, many ways an individual can grow during the course of their lives. We grow physically. chronologically. spiritually. emotionally. mentally. intellectually. philosophically. socially. Looking back on the last couple of years I have seen a lot of growth in myself.

I grew chronologically, as we all do every year. I celebrated my 28th birthday and started my 29th year; I grew intellectually, letting fear go and stepping out on my own - daring to try new things and, oddly enough, fall in love with them. I grew emotionally, discovering what true unconditional love is while almost simultaneously learning to accept a harsh reality and let go of a love that (in retrospect) has been a bit toxic for me. Being introduced to that unconditional love led me back into the orbit of Jennifer who has, in a real shock for me, re-ignited a flame that went out long ago and is helping me grow in spirit every single day. Her words keep me motivated, and have really sparked something in me leading into this year. I grow mentally, as often as I can. I read, as much as I can, as varied as I can. And my love of learning already has me going back for another semester of school. I try to keep growing philosophically as well. Having a background in Sociology and Psychology, I find it hard to see the world in black and white anymore. I find it hard to take what I'm told as fact. I learn to question things - outwardly and in personal reflection. I've also gained a much better understanding of who I am, who I am becoming, and what the future can hold for me. All I have to do is get out there and get it. I've also grown socially. I think that might be the only growth that I was forced into by taking the initiative to get out on my own. I had to go out and make new friends, new connections. And surprisingly (and with so much gratitude on my part) I fell into two groups of people that push me. We make it a point to do at least one new thing every month. There's always something to look forward to and no shortage of good times. Bonus on my heart that they took an interest in volunteering with me.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream. I dreamed about a former friend. I have no idea how that dream started, but I think it was the re-introduction of J into my life that caused it. I'm thinking now that divine intervention had to move her off of my radar so that I would have the room I needed to allow J to trigger my change. In this dream, remarkably, that friend apologized for her actions. She apologized for telling stories about my past to anyone she could. She felt bad for trying to make herself look better by making me look worse. Then she asked if we could hang out again. I wasn't mad though. I've never been mad, dream or not. I smiled and told her I forgave her, but we'll never be anything again. Friends come and go. People are close one day and once-a-year calls the next. But we were friends. And experiences we shared as friends shouldn't be demonized and made into something they aren't. It was made clear to me what kind of person she is. Mom taught me early to avoid people that do nothing but talk. Eventually, when they run out of things to talk about, they'll turn to conversations about you. She never has to worry about me speaking against her, because I will never speak of her again, positively or negatively. I don't have it in me to spread malice. But I'm so thrilled to know I have it in me to forgive so completely.

I've found that it's no good to stay the same. Growth is almost...required to get through life. I've seen what becomes of people who get stuck in any one "stage" or point in the path of growth. I'm proud to say that I've grown and changed. I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. I'm not the person I was last year. I'm not even the person I was yesterday. And I'm so OK with that.

“My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.” ― Marcel Proust

“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are.” ― Cherie Carter-Scott

“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.” ― Jarod Kintz