Writing

if not for my sister, I don't know what I'd do. I had no one to talk to...to really grieve with over the situation. I finally just took her advice and wrote. I wrote a letter to both of my son's grandmothers. I can't bring myself to tell my mom about him, given the circumstances of him coming to be. and I can't tell his father's mom because she's no longer here. but in the letters, I told them. I told them how happy I was to learn that I was having him, and how how heartbroken I was when I found out I wouldn't. what his name was, and will always be. all the great things he would have seen. and done. how proud I am of him, even now. and I asked that they forgive me for not being stronger.

Then I wrote a letter to him. I told him how much he's loved. by me and I'm sure by his father. I told him how much I miss him, every single day. how sorry I am. that I'll never get to see him or hold him...kiss him goodnight. for not bring ready for him. or physically able. I told him that he will never be forgotten, because I won't allow it. one day, his siblings will know what he did for me. and for them. once upon a time, among the falling leaves of 2013; a little boy, without even knowing it, gave his mother hope. for a family. for a future. for love.

Lastly, I wrote a letter to his father. I summarily apologized to him. I know the whole situation is my fault even if he won't say it. I told him i would be there for him and that I love him. that one day, when he's ready, he'll have that family he wants. that he'll be truly happy. I told him that I hoped we could one day talk about the son we lost, because I would hate for time to just erase him from the record books, as it does so many things we hate to remember. 
...it kills me that he doesn't talk like he used to, but life changes people. time changes people. I miss the boy I crushed on; the guy I fell in love with. the man I used to know. 



I actually felt better after writing. I needed to get my feelings out. and although no one will ever hear them, to have them on paper...it's cathartic. now I just need that day to come where the tears stop, or at least subside. I want to do nothing but smile when Austin comes to mind. Remember and smile.