People

a friend came at me with the wildest quote today - "Money motivates people, but no one ever learns from the problems it causes. People act out of selfishness, but even though this can lead to incredible suffering, there’s no real hope for this changing. And sometimes, random shit just happens."


...I don't know where he got it, but there is all kinds of realism in it. So many levels of understanding. These intellectual convos are utterly refreshing.

Who I Am

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”- Buddha


With the death of my Aunt Cheryl in 2001, a notably genuine, incredibly GOOD person. I took a step back from the whole empire of organized religion. I had never on my own subscribed to it, just grew up in a catholic house, and went with what I was told is the way to do things. I realized I had no reason to support it. I had done no research, I had no information that wasn't fed to me by everyone else. And I walked away from it. I needed to understand on my own why, with all of these different deities, my aunt had to go the way she did. It wasn't until 2010, through a coworker and eventual friend, that I found an interest again. I've always been a curious person. I like new things, different things. I like to expand my knowledge pool. She gave me a nonjudgmental look at Buddhism through her eyes. She understood my desire to learn, to know about a religion and what it means to you before diving in. I must say, I studied quite a few - Christianity, Catholicism, Islam, Judaism. But I liked Buddhism the most. Although I am far from a practicing Buddhist, I do follow many of their concepts and teachings. Recently I have found myself asking a lot of questions about my own being. Who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, what kind of mark am I leaving on the world. And in the past, when I began to question, when I lost my focus, it was little Buddha who enlightened me and helped me re-establish myself. Once again, without my realizing, Buddhism has come to my rescue. I kind of understand now why some people are so willing and able to follow religion so blindly. Mine reminds me where my attention should be. once I have that, everything else will fall into place.

Growth

"The choices we make have the ability to impact our present as well as shape our future. If all of that goes without saying, we can move with the understanding that the choices we fail to make have the same effects"

Realizations are abound. it's the most incredible thing. ever since I found out I lost the baby, it's as if my...outlook has changed. I mean I know I said Austin has given me hope, but I feel different. Every day is better. I'm writing more, like I used to before I had to grow up. I've been free-writing. journaling. blogging. I even spit out a couple of fiction pieces. With everything, I decided to unplug for a bit also. I don't think anyone even noticed the absence. The holidays are coming and I'm pretty ok with going it solo. I even did (in my mind) a good deed and switched shifts with a friend, so that he can spend the holiday with his girlfriend. That will also keep me out of Black Friday trouble. I have a couple interviews coming up. They could decide where my life goes from here. Do I jump head first into children's health? Do I wait it out, see where ED takes me? I've always been one for new experiences. I thrive on them. I don't feel like I can grow in a stagnant environment. I have things to contemplate. And next week, I go home! it's been six months already. I've changed so much in such a short time. I wonder how I'd fit in up there. I'm looking at people and things much differently now, especially in relation to me. I actually don't think I would fit in up there anymore. The friends I have, the friends I'm making...they just aren't the same. Austin must have been a lot like his mother. Or at least the person she used to be. That person she's trying to be again. All of this creativity and inspiration is coming from somewhere.

Writing

if not for my sister, I don't know what I'd do. I had no one to talk to...to really grieve with over the situation. I finally just took her advice and wrote. I wrote a letter to both of my son's grandmothers. I can't bring myself to tell my mom about him, given the circumstances of him coming to be. and I can't tell his father's mom because she's no longer here. but in the letters, I told them. I told them how happy I was to learn that I was having him, and how how heartbroken I was when I found out I wouldn't. what his name was, and will always be. all the great things he would have seen. and done. how proud I am of him, even now. and I asked that they forgive me for not being stronger.

Then I wrote a letter to him. I told him how much he's loved. by me and I'm sure by his father. I told him how much I miss him, every single day. how sorry I am. that I'll never get to see him or hold him...kiss him goodnight. for not bring ready for him. or physically able. I told him that he will never be forgotten, because I won't allow it. one day, his siblings will know what he did for me. and for them. once upon a time, among the falling leaves of 2013; a little boy, without even knowing it, gave his mother hope. for a family. for a future. for love.

Lastly, I wrote a letter to his father. I summarily apologized to him. I know the whole situation is my fault even if he won't say it. I told him i would be there for him and that I love him. that one day, when he's ready, he'll have that family he wants. that he'll be truly happy. I told him that I hoped we could one day talk about the son we lost, because I would hate for time to just erase him from the record books, as it does so many things we hate to remember. 
...it kills me that he doesn't talk like he used to, but life changes people. time changes people. I miss the boy I crushed on; the guy I fell in love with. the man I used to know. 



I actually felt better after writing. I needed to get my feelings out. and although no one will ever hear them, to have them on paper...it's cathartic. now I just need that day to come where the tears stop, or at least subside. I want to do nothing but smile when Austin comes to mind. Remember and smile. 

Silent voices

how do I tell him? do I even tell him? it's so long after the fact, neither of us can really do anything about it. there isn't even anything really to be said.


it makes me so sad though. I...guess the dreams kind of make sense now.

Marriage Isn’t For You

Seth Adam Smith 

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

Marriage is about family.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

Kim and I