Doing Fine

People ask me all the time, “How are you doing?” To most people I simply tell them “I’m doing better” or even in some cases just simply keep the conversation moving. I tell them “I’m doing fine” but the truth of the matter is I really don’t know how I’m doing. I really don’t.

How are you supposed to be doing after you’ve lost your babies? After cremating your children’s bodies that barley had begun to grow. After getting ready to start picking out things for their nursery. It seems even with all the answers found in beautiful poetry and the overwhelming outpouring of thoughtful words from family & friends, and even in the very promises of God about heaven, the real answer seems to remain elusive.

How do you simply “go on” when every day you see the empty belly that once was big & round? How do you get back to normal when the only normal you’ve ever known will never be the same? How do you process all the what if’s which pour through your mind. Especially, the ones we work so hard to convince people we don’t have.

How am I doing?…I’m not doing well. I’m consumed with sadness. The awkwardness of not having my son & daughter has in many ways only increased. I can be in the middle of my day making dinner and start crying for no reason at all. Oh, there’s a reason alright, maybe a million of them. I see swings in the park and know that our babies will never swing on them. I often find myself wondering–mostly unconsciously–what our babies would have been like as they grew up. What it would have been like to hear them say “I love you Mommy”. Would they have loved music? What would their favorite ride at Disney Land have been? … I do believe in God’s flawless plan for me and my Husband. And while my trust in Him does not remove the emotions that make me human, I believe He loves me. Thank you Father for our babies. Please take care of them until I get there to help you.