Reboot

For years the soul has scarred itself raw
For internal wisdom and a mind in a war
Persoanl triumph to personal loss
The selling of morals for the price of their cost

These arts of mine wrecked from personal flames
There's nothing to lose, though nothing to gain
For these stories of mine fall on deaf ears
Personal trauma, hopes and the fears

A baring of soul is not needed these days
For there's more to this world than personal pain
So burn it away and cast it aside
For we all live short on limited time

Cleanse yourself clean before a mental decease
The weight of our baggage makes us crawl on our knees
So leave this behind for it burdens the soul
Nothing is necessary, thats all one need know

Feel the removal of desire and shame
It's the key to rebirth in a world slightly sane
We are what we are and our being must breathe
So i leave this behind and start something clean

Happy?

It’s my birthday. It doesn’t feel like it though. It’s just another day for me. Another year older, another year closer. To quote someone, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. All this running, getting nowhere. What I wouldn’t give for a reboot button.

Log 2

I met with the doc today. i thought i was going in for the breast thing, but it was actually for my old nemesis, the fibroids (talk about blind-sided). they've doubled in size since the last sonogram and i've got a 4th one now. He says I’m swollen to about 12 weeks currently. This is likely the only time I will ever be anything along those lines I’m sure. Unfortunately he didnt downplay the knot, even though after the fibroid thing i hoped that he would. but he said he'd rather i discuss the lumps with a specialist, so i have that appointment on the 20th. doc says they need to be checked out because they are suspicious and hard and causing pain. until then, i'll sit and wait & pretend it’s all groovy. Nothing else I can do anyway.

Log 1

*I've been mulling over journal entries for quite some time now and i've finally settled on what i want to write. i will keep a log and be as accurrate as possible in developing it. starting today.*


i've always wanted smaller breasts. since high school. they bring more attention than i'd like and distract from what I feel is an awesome personality wrapped in an otherwise fab package. I may be getting my wish, just not in the way i had hoped.

I had to have a sonogram done on the 4th. sucks for me, the results came back abnormal. I had been dealing with the knot and some associated pain for a couple months before getting around to having it checked out. school and work come first of course. even the 'abnormal' result didnt really bother me. i've had biopsies done before and it was no big deal. what actually concerned me just a little was the letter i got from the doc, telling me i needed to come in and appointment already being made with him. that's not how it went last time.

i'm trying my best to keep a level head, to not jump to conclusions. i'm working hard to convince myself that i've gotten through my hardship, my hurdles are over. i dont know if i have any left in me to make it through another one.

Into Self

I don't own it...but I wish I did

momentum

When you have a "what am I really doing" moment there are two very basic things that you have to understand,

1. There is no way to gauge at this time the benefit of your actions
2. As long as you're still fulfilled with your work, you're doing something extraordinarily correct.

We have to build up a bit of Momentum to push us through the times of doubt.

Mantra

I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.
Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me
my body including everything it does;
my mind including all its thoughts and ideas;
my eyes including the images all they behold;
my feelings whatever they may be …
anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement
my mouth and all the words that come out it
polite, sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
my voice loud or soft.
And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.
By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think
and feel at a given moment in time is me.
This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I
thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting,
And invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am ok.



by Virginia Satir

I Cried

I like politics with a sense of humor

The Voice

...what's American Idol?

Pure happiness is found in moments that are beautiful or meaningful, and each day holds plenty of them. When you can master the art of finding joy all around you, the things you want will more naturally flow into your life.

The Heavy

I now have first hand knowledge of what the girls were talking about. It's a horrible feeling. I think I'm scarred for life.