I was thinking back on my past lives, at least the ones I can remember. And I noticed a pattern - in all four I died young. and in all of them I died trying to save a family member.
In one, sometime in the 1700s, my brother and I are peasant children, in the service of some wealthy woman. We are happy, until the flood comes. They leave us, locked in the basement. watching as the waters come. all I can think about is my brother. he couldn't have been more than eight years old. I made sure that he got out of that window before the water overcame me entirely.
In another, somewhere in the 1950s, I'm walking home alone one night. I could sense something was really really wrong. And then those men came. robbed me. beat me. left me for dead. I crawled for miles, until I came across a young man. And the only thing I could say to him before it all ended was to save my baby.
Then there's the escapist flashback. There is a group of us running from this house. I have no idea why. I just know I don't ever want to go back in that house. There comes a point where the group gets separated. I trip. and I stumble across a toddler. I look at him and I know he's mine, but there's no one else around him. he's scared, crying. and they can hear him from miles out. To save him, I wrap him up in my jacket and hide him at the next house I come to, while I imitate his cries and run in the opposite direction.
Lastly there is my wedding. I just took my vows, we said our "I Do"s. I've just been introduced as his wife. And the doors to the church are blown open by gunshots. I watch friends. family. the priest. take bullets all over. All I can think about is saving Him, making sure He survives it all. I watch as one of the gunmen raises a Tommy and points it square at His chest. Without thinking, I dove in front of him, taking a blow to the stomach. I knew I was dying, but in true, hard Italian fashion, I pulled at the Tommy, turned it on the gunman, and caught him square in the chest before it all ended.
Why did these all come to mind? Because randomly at 11:54 at night I had this urge to find those two foster kids my sister had when I was young, and save them. from their horrible dad. from a life they didn't ask for. from a future they didn't deserve. I have this...need, to save people. I've prostrated myself on many an occasion, just so someone else wouldn't have to.
Service is my life. I think I love to serve others. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense of it making me unabashedly happy to see others make it. To see them succeed. And I love to be a part of it in any fashion. Healthcare is where I need to be. Where I love to be. As long as I get to make my patients' day even an iota better.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
1.13.2014
11.04.2013
Marriage Isn’t For You
Marriage Isn’t For You
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
Marriage is about family.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Kim and I
6.02.2009
Overtime
as my job steals the time i have to spend with these two little buggers. My Clay and my Roc-E.
He turned four yesterday :0) My <333333
I wouldnt call it an even trade because A) i'm basically giving up the one day a week I have to spend with them. Very unsettling. and B) i basically have to work 6 days. until they find a replacement. or until July gets here. Whichever comes first. I hope they find a replacement sooner cuz um...6 days will wear on me fast. i dont care how much "OT" it is.
As soooon as i dont need this job anymore/have enough $ saved up/get scooped up by sum handsome fella, i'm going right back to what I know and love. and thats those buggers. Watch me!
He turned four yesterday :0) My <333333
I wouldnt call it an even trade because A) i'm basically giving up the one day a week I have to spend with them. Very unsettling. and B) i basically have to work 6 days. until they find a replacement. or until July gets here. Whichever comes first. I hope they find a replacement sooner cuz um...6 days will wear on me fast. i dont care how much "OT" it is.
As soooon as i dont need this job anymore/have enough $ saved up/get scooped up by sum handsome fella, i'm going right back to what I know and love. and thats those buggers. Watch me!
5.01.2009
May Day!
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
My brother was born on Cinco de Mayo. We're not mexican, but for his birthday we will be! I love the month of May. It leads into the best month ever - JUNE.
4.21.2009
A Letter
Dear Erica,
We were talking with your mom today. She showed us a picture of Jada. She's getting so big. Every time I see her she just looks more like you. It's amazing - almost like you havent left. You wouldnt believe how fast she's growing. It really made me think about you. I cant believe it's really been a year and a half already. That was the worst birthday. Finding out that you wouldnt be able to celebrate with me. To know that you werent coming out of it, that the plug was being pulled, and Mike was letting you go. It still breaks my heart into pieces everytime I think of that day. He was just so anguished, the pain was all over his face. Those few minutes as he bent over you are etched in my mind forever. Often when I think back on you now, my mind automatically reverts back to that day when no one in the family could do anything to bring him out of the dark that engulfed him. You'd be so proud of him now though. He's carried on very well and and made sure that Jada remembers her mommy and the love you have for her. We all still miss you terribly, that will never go away. But to watch Mike and Jada, I know that your memory - and your spirit - will never die.
With Love,
Jacki
We were talking with your mom today. She showed us a picture of Jada. She's getting so big. Every time I see her she just looks more like you. It's amazing - almost like you havent left. You wouldnt believe how fast she's growing. It really made me think about you. I cant believe it's really been a year and a half already. That was the worst birthday. Finding out that you wouldnt be able to celebrate with me. To know that you werent coming out of it, that the plug was being pulled, and Mike was letting you go. It still breaks my heart into pieces everytime I think of that day. He was just so anguished, the pain was all over his face. Those few minutes as he bent over you are etched in my mind forever. Often when I think back on you now, my mind automatically reverts back to that day when no one in the family could do anything to bring him out of the dark that engulfed him. You'd be so proud of him now though. He's carried on very well and and made sure that Jada remembers her mommy and the love you have for her. We all still miss you terribly, that will never go away. But to watch Mike and Jada, I know that your memory - and your spirit - will never die.
With Love,
Jacki
3.08.2009
Family Matters - 300 Pt 2
Yesterday, as part of my job as a dispatcher, I had to go out on the road with a driver while he took a bus through the 4 important boroughs. Luckily for me, I ended up with my dad which meant that I didnt have to pay a whole lot of attention, and I didnt have to worry about being talked to death (my other option was a man who made a comment about how i wasnt skinny, but he could get with a bigger girl 'no problem'. i'm sure my dad was as close to vomiting as I was). I spent my time reading and staring out the window, occasionally engaging in convo with the passengers he picked up.
But when i'm left alone long enough, I tend to start thinking. I start looking back on the steps i've taken and where I am, reliving memories - both good and bad - and rehashing old ideas. I started thinking, really thinking, about my history. How I used to be. And, not that I'm that odd, but I used to be much more normal years ago. Thinking about it, I found the breaking point. The moment in which the Jax I am today was born. And that was a cold day in February of 1997. That was the day that my brother decided he was moving west, and taking my nephews with him.
My brother was born in 1965. I was born in 1985. His children, my nephews, were born in 1990. They were a major part of my life for 7 years. Seven years of my childhood was wrapped around them. They were, for all intents and purposes, my brothers. And although i'm sure it's nothing like a parent losing a child, it didnt change the fact that it felt to me like a part of me left with them. I just havent been the same since. I lost a giant piece of me that day and I've just never gotten it back. And the result is, I missed the biggest events of their lives, and now, of their little brothers too. Everytime I think of it I cry a little inside.
Two points in my life i'd like to go back to. One - that cold day in february. Two - the first day of high school. I'd be with my future husband to this day if only i'd made a couple better decisions in high school. Sigh, if only.
But when i'm left alone long enough, I tend to start thinking. I start looking back on the steps i've taken and where I am, reliving memories - both good and bad - and rehashing old ideas. I started thinking, really thinking, about my history. How I used to be. And, not that I'm that odd, but I used to be much more normal years ago. Thinking about it, I found the breaking point. The moment in which the Jax I am today was born. And that was a cold day in February of 1997. That was the day that my brother decided he was moving west, and taking my nephews with him.
My brother was born in 1965. I was born in 1985. His children, my nephews, were born in 1990. They were a major part of my life for 7 years. Seven years of my childhood was wrapped around them. They were, for all intents and purposes, my brothers. And although i'm sure it's nothing like a parent losing a child, it didnt change the fact that it felt to me like a part of me left with them. I just havent been the same since. I lost a giant piece of me that day and I've just never gotten it back. And the result is, I missed the biggest events of their lives, and now, of their little brothers too. Everytime I think of it I cry a little inside.
Two points in my life i'd like to go back to. One - that cold day in february. Two - the first day of high school. I'd be with my future husband to this day if only i'd made a couple better decisions in high school. Sigh, if only.
4.10.2008
Thoughts and Speculation...
So today I realized how much my father doesnt know or care to know, and just how absent he is from my life. But thats not what bothers me. I think what really saddens me is that I dont care. I'm not put off by the fact that he's really taking up space. Whether i'm loud or quiet; if i talk or dont talk, its all me. Evidently, whatever happens is brought on by something i did or failed to do. I have an issue, i aggravate myself. I'm my own problem. I'm the reason for any and everything that's off with life. It's times like these that i remember why i really made this blog. And it's times like these that i think i can almost grasp what it was in life that made me ever start writing in the first place...
what a depressing apprehension.
what a depressing apprehension.
12.03.2007
New Beginnings
So the day has finally wrapped up. I went to the funeral this morning (mentioned a few entries back) and didnt cry. I teared up slightly when the director of her dance troupe got up and spoke, but other than that, not a thing all day. I cant do it. I'm still SO mad at her for giving up and (what we suspect) indirectly killing herself. There was no reason 4 her, with no serious health problems, to die at 77. None. My personal cut off (from which you are allowed to say "yea, i'm kinda tired") is 82. NO sooner. Man or woman. period. I also havent exactly come to terms with her dying. I still expect to hear her ring my doorbell, to see her walking outside. I guess the proverbial nail in the coffin would be seeing new neighbors going in and out of her house. Maybe then....
I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....
I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.
I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....
Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.
I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....
I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.
I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....
Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.
11.27.2007
All In The Family
God i love my nephews. I love them to death. We've built a great relationship these past 18 years and I feel especially honored that they feel they can come to me about anything. It makes me feel special...and more important than their 'aunt', my sister. (Because they're only 5 years younger than me, I have them call me by my name, not auntie. we're more like siblings anyway.) On a separate but similar note...i found out my sister told my nephews i was a whore, because i have a tongue ring. She said, quoting the boy, "she's suck anyone's dick". Really sis? really? At least my guy isnt running to my father asking for help on how to get away from me and the relationship. Asking for help even because he knows that daddy went through it...with your. mother. But i digress...
My twins have been dropping bombshell after bombshell on me, knowing that i wont tell my dad about it, but i'll still give them advice. They're house is a mess, with their newest stepmom being a total bitch to them. Apparently she's made claims of spitting in their food...shoving them around, throwing her kids above them as opposed to the Brady Bunch equality. Then there are the rumors of their father bumming around with his wife and weed...taking his son's $ because he's the only one in the house with a job. Terrible things...talking down about their birth mother...in front of them...to his new wife.
All of that didnt bother me as much as when I heard that one nephew wasnt going to college next fall because he hadnt been able to apply. He took his father's word at more than face value when he said "dont worry, i'll take care of it". And is now screwed. "Auntie" Jacki cant do much for him in november, from NY, when apps r typically in by the beginning of the month. I do hope he took my advice and attempted some apps on his own though... The other twin, has given up on college entirely, because it means he's stuck in "Hell House" for at least two more years. he is currently, at 17.5 years of age, trying to get a job on the East Coast that will keep him here, and dismissing thoughts of school altogether. It makes me sad...i had my highest hopes for him. =(
But the bullshit that made MY jaw drop, was when i was informed of just how lowdown and tricky my family is and can be. My darling nephew asked me to take him to brownsville so he could see his little brother. Little brother? but Roc lives with them. Ah, and there lies the rub. Apparently big brother bobby went and had himself a child out of wedlock. And oh, is little Kevin a Williams if there ever was one. His mother was even nice enough to allow him the family forehead. what a gem. He fits right in line with the rest of us. So i have a brand spanking new 9 year old nephew. Glorious. I cant wait to embrace him and welcome him to our wonders. Our lovely complicating-the-world family.
Makes me think like father like son. There's been long time rumors of daddy dearest doing the same. Probably sparked and fanned by his constant disappearances for hours down on "the avenue". Persisted by him not coming home or..answering his phone when people need him. And seeing as how he currently has children with four different women, its not that far-fetched. Old dogs dont change their ways. Nope, nope. Neither mommy nor I are really that concerned however (unless i have little siblings somewhere, cuz thats fucked up i asked for some til i was 13), cuz we're both older. I'm gonna be stepping out of this house in the next two years if it kills me...and she's not gonna go off and find a stallion..she's content with herself. We are not like my sisters & their moms. Oh no. Besides...i've shared my opinions on him with her already on repeated occasions. Thats just me.
What would life truly be without family?
My twins have been dropping bombshell after bombshell on me, knowing that i wont tell my dad about it, but i'll still give them advice. They're house is a mess, with their newest stepmom being a total bitch to them. Apparently she's made claims of spitting in their food...shoving them around, throwing her kids above them as opposed to the Brady Bunch equality. Then there are the rumors of their father bumming around with his wife and weed...taking his son's $ because he's the only one in the house with a job. Terrible things...talking down about their birth mother...in front of them...to his new wife.
All of that didnt bother me as much as when I heard that one nephew wasnt going to college next fall because he hadnt been able to apply. He took his father's word at more than face value when he said "dont worry, i'll take care of it". And is now screwed. "Auntie" Jacki cant do much for him in november, from NY, when apps r typically in by the beginning of the month. I do hope he took my advice and attempted some apps on his own though... The other twin, has given up on college entirely, because it means he's stuck in "Hell House" for at least two more years. he is currently, at 17.5 years of age, trying to get a job on the East Coast that will keep him here, and dismissing thoughts of school altogether. It makes me sad...i had my highest hopes for him. =(
But the bullshit that made MY jaw drop, was when i was informed of just how lowdown and tricky my family is and can be. My darling nephew asked me to take him to brownsville so he could see his little brother. Little brother? but Roc lives with them. Ah, and there lies the rub. Apparently big brother bobby went and had himself a child out of wedlock. And oh, is little Kevin a Williams if there ever was one. His mother was even nice enough to allow him the family forehead. what a gem. He fits right in line with the rest of us. So i have a brand spanking new 9 year old nephew. Glorious. I cant wait to embrace him and welcome him to our wonders. Our lovely complicating-the-world family.
Makes me think like father like son. There's been long time rumors of daddy dearest doing the same. Probably sparked and fanned by his constant disappearances for hours down on "the avenue". Persisted by him not coming home or..answering his phone when people need him. And seeing as how he currently has children with four different women, its not that far-fetched. Old dogs dont change their ways. Nope, nope. Neither mommy nor I are really that concerned however (unless i have little siblings somewhere, cuz thats fucked up i asked for some til i was 13), cuz we're both older. I'm gonna be stepping out of this house in the next two years if it kills me...and she's not gonna go off and find a stallion..she's content with herself. We are not like my sisters & their moms. Oh no. Besides...i've shared my opinions on him with her already on repeated occasions. Thats just me.
What would life truly be without family?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)