Service

I was thinking back on my past lives, at least the ones I can remember. And I noticed a pattern - in all four I died young. and in all of them I died trying to save a family member. 

In one, sometime in the 1700s, my brother and I are peasant children, in the service of some wealthy woman. We are happy, until the flood comes. They leave us, locked in the basement. watching as the waters come. all I can think about is my brother. he couldn't have been more than eight years old. I made sure that he got out of that window before the water overcame me entirely. 

In another, somewhere in the 1950s, I'm walking home alone one night. I could sense something was really really wrong. And then those men came. robbed me. beat me. left me for dead. I crawled for miles, until I came across a young man. And the only thing I could say to him before it all ended was to save my baby.

Then there's the escapist flashback. There is a group of us running from this house. I have no idea why. I just know I don't ever want to go back in that house. There comes a point where the group gets separated. I trip. and I stumble across a toddler. I look at him and I know he's mine, but there's no one else around him. he's scared, crying. and they can hear him from miles out. To save him, I wrap him up in my jacket and hide him at the next house I come to, while I imitate his cries and run in the opposite direction.

Lastly there is my wedding. I just took my vows, we said our "I Do"s. I've just been introduced as his wife. And the doors to the church are blown open by gunshots. I watch friends. family. the priest. take bullets all over. All I can think about is saving Him, making sure He survives it all. I watch as one of the gunmen raises a Tommy and points it square at His chest. Without thinking, I dove in front of him, taking a blow to the stomach. I knew I was dying, but in true, hard Italian fashion, I pulled at the Tommy, turned it on the gunman, and caught him square in the chest before it all ended.

Why did these all come to mind? Because randomly at 11:54 at night I had this urge to find those two foster kids my sister had when I was young, and save them. from their horrible dad. from a life they didn't ask for. from a future they didn't deserve. I have this...need, to save people. I've prostrated myself on many an occasion, just so someone else wouldn't have to.

Service is my life. I think I love to serve others. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense of it making me unabashedly happy to see others make it. To see them succeed. And I love to be a part of it in any fashion. Healthcare is where I need to be. Where I love to be. As long as I get to make my patients' day even an iota better.

Feelings

I'm...confused. Well, not really confused, that's a lie. I've never been clearer in my direction and what I want. I think it's just loneliness. Likely due to 30 looming so close. I had plans for where I wanted to be in life by 30. They weren't even outrageous plans like living in a bel-air mansion or owning a fortune-700 company (fortune-500? that's 20th century talk). I just wanted to be married (or engaged), working my dream job, at the end of the day going to my own home. My home. 

I feel like I'm back on that island from 2008. Except with age comes experience, awareness. I know more now. And it's so painfully obvious how quiet this island has been. 

I guess I am confused. I thought there would be progression. I still feel stagnant. 

...maybe I'm just a late bloomer like my mom

Looking Back

I was taught that you should never look back. It's...not so much the wrong thing, as it is just not much of a proactive thing. Going back and comparing the past - shoulda woulda coulda didnts, and the opposites. I've learned from past experiences with myself, that when I should be sleeping - and i'm not - I end up writing in my blog. Why? because I spend that loss-of-sleep, doing some deep thinking. Dont get it twisted, I am in no way dwelling, just reminiscing.

Last year, 2008, was definitely one of the roughest years I've encountered so far. I had so much to undertake that I personally wasnt ready for and didnt really want to go through. But I toughed it out and I'm definitely better as a result. I took on three different jobs in three very different fields. I finished school on the side, took time out to undergo a semi-invasive surgery that typically isnt a concern until a female is in her early 30s, give or take. I even swapped one of my jobs for an even better one much closer to home that allows me more mobility and more opportunity at work. Bonus - i'm happy doing what I do now. Amongst all of that, I found the time to reconnect with some people I'd thought I lost - people that matter a great deal to me.

In reminiscing, I realized that last year - despite such big time dilemmas - was just like any other. 2008 was a cluster of learning experiences, and I'm all the better for having made it through. I got through some of the lowest points in my almost 24 years and I think I can take on just about anything else life decides to toss my way. Dont shun the past. Do you really believe that you'd be who/where you are now if it wasnt for the choice you did or didnt make back in 1999? 2002? 2006? last year? Sure, you could spend the time thinking about where you could be. But it's way smarter to plan from now, to get somewhere in the future =0)

Making Peace

For years, I've defined myself by my past. What I did, didnt do, should've done...what happened, who I met, made friends with, passed over. You hear growing up that, what you do helps shape who you are, and I'd say that's pretty true. For me at least. I had a hard time getting through school as a result. I felt detached, trapped in my own little world, like I was going nowhere. And I think it's because I resented so much of my past. I made alot of stupid choices, in some cases became friends with the wrong people. I didnt speak when I should have, missed out on way too much. Something flipped this year and things changed for me. Although I still resent a lot of it, I've made peace with the past. I've even let some go. It has given me an entire new outlook on things and people. I dont worry about as much as I used to, going with the flow is way easier. As an unexpected side effect, I think I care less/put less weight on what I hear and see. Whatever will be, will be right? Making peace with the past keeps you from making a mess of the present. And I cant allow anything else to be made a mess.

Back to the Future

Life has a funny way of running in circles. I swear the past just always comes back around to bring new and interesting things. Severely late (this is like 10:30), my house phone is ringing. Mother picks it up, because it’s what she does, I expect it. What I didn’t expect was the phone call to be for me. Who calls my house for me? Especially that late at night. Especially in the middle of the week. No one, that’s who. She comes to my door, “Do you know a Greg? He’s on the phone for you.” Of course, I have no idea who the hell Greg is, and I get on her for letting him know that I exist in the first place. Mother goes back, and tells him that I’m sleeping, and asks for his info. He reveals that I know him from St. Fortunata. Now for those that don’t know, that’s RFK days, going on 12. years. ago. He says that he was looking at his yearbook and saw my pic and decided to call. Interesting enough, as St. Fortunata wasn’t a fan of RFK. Knowing that, I’m fully aware of who Greg is, but still unsure as to how he got my number or even moreso, why he’s calling me so far in the future. Mommy Dearest got the number and shared it with me, as “she has no use for it.” I’m contemplating calling, because my nature has me bugged as to what fueled this call. There’s some kind of conspiracy going and I must get to the bottom of it. I only wish I was still close to the RFK girls that hung out with those guys, so that I could share in this experience fully. What in the hell could he possibly want? Ma thinks that this may be a good thing, because it's...the past (she was a huge fan of my past)? But she didn’t go to school with us, she knows naught. SFS people will always be suspicious to me. Always. Worse case scenario, I have to kill him. Best case scenario, I get a blast from the past turned into a new friend. Win-Win I say.

I purchased two pairs of shoes on my outing today, $10 a piece. They’re a style I never thought I’d wear (pics to come later), but I’m in love. I think they are the cutest little things. If the weather stays as global warming as it is, LibraDreamer did me a solid and bought me a killer sweater as well. Snoogans. I owe her hard for doing me such a big favor. And she will totally get repaid x12 whether she likes it or not. I think my sense of style is broadening a bit. I like dressing up and looking nice, even when I’m not going anywhere special. I lean towards eye makeup almost every day, and I plan to make better use of my contacts as well. I wont follow in the footsteps of New Jack & Knuckles, who think its cool to wear contacts for 6 months to a year on end and then wonder why their eyes bleed upon removal. That is totally not an act of God guys =0p.

I found a bunch of stories I wrote back in the day when I was a writer. Looking back and reading them myself, I think I was a pretty good writer. Alas, I don’t see myself picking it back up anytime soon. The dream of people being enthralled in my work (as I am in the likes of Stephen King and Scott Smith) has long passed me. Its nice to look back at what I could’ve been. It gives me a little hope for my kids, that maybe they’ll inherit my writing ‘skill’ and hopefully find an audience that likes it and shares it with others. And after I finish reading them all, maybe even elaborating a little more on one in particular, they will be buried again. It’s like my own little time capsule, buried to be found sometime in the future and read again, as a little reminder of what once was.