Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
1.09.2014
umm...
why are some people seemingly caught in an endless loop of despair?
they're like washing machines - wash, rinse, repeat. Keep doing the same
things and expecting change. I don't think it's
insanity...just...something else
1.05.2014
Growth
There are many, many ways an individual can grow during the course of
their lives. We grow physically. chronologically. spiritually.
emotionally. mentally. intellectually. philosophically. socially.
Looking back on the last couple of years I have seen a lot of growth in
myself.
I grew chronologically, as we all do every year. I celebrated my 28th birthday and started my 29th year; I grew intellectually, letting fear go and stepping out on my own - daring to try new things and, oddly enough, fall in love with them. I grew emotionally, discovering what true unconditional love is while almost simultaneously learning to accept a harsh reality and let go of a love that (in retrospect) has been a bit toxic for me. Being introduced to that unconditional love led me back into the orbit of Jennifer who has, in a real shock for me, re-ignited a flame that went out long ago and is helping me grow in spirit every single day. Her words keep me motivated, and have really sparked something in me leading into this year. I grow mentally, as often as I can. I read, as much as I can, as varied as I can. And my love of learning already has me going back for another semester of school. I try to keep growing philosophically as well. Having a background in Sociology and Psychology, I find it hard to see the world in black and white anymore. I find it hard to take what I'm told as fact. I learn to question things - outwardly and in personal reflection. I've also gained a much better understanding of who I am, who I am becoming, and what the future can hold for me. All I have to do is get out there and get it. I've also grown socially. I think that might be the only growth that I was forced into by taking the initiative to get out on my own. I had to go out and make new friends, new connections. And surprisingly (and with so much gratitude on my part) I fell into two groups of people that push me. We make it a point to do at least one new thing every month. There's always something to look forward to and no shortage of good times. Bonus on my heart that they took an interest in volunteering with me.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream. I dreamed about a former friend. I have no idea how that dream started, but I think it was the re-introduction of J into my life that caused it. I'm thinking now that divine intervention had to move her off of my radar so that I would have the room I needed to allow J to trigger my change. In this dream, remarkably, that friend apologized for her actions. She apologized for telling stories about my past to anyone she could. She felt bad for trying to make herself look better by making me look worse. Then she asked if we could hang out again. I wasn't mad though. I've never been mad, dream or not. I smiled and told her I forgave her, but we'll never be anything again. Friends come and go. People are close one day and once-a-year calls the next. But we were friends. And experiences we shared as friends shouldn't be demonized and made into something they aren't. It was made clear to me what kind of person she is. Mom taught me early to avoid people that do nothing but talk. Eventually, when they run out of things to talk about, they'll turn to conversations about you. She never has to worry about me speaking against her, because I will never speak of her again, positively or negatively. I don't have it in me to spread malice. But I'm so thrilled to know I have it in me to forgive so completely.
I've found that it's no good to stay the same. Growth is almost...required to get through life. I've seen what becomes of people who get stuck in any one "stage" or point in the path of growth. I'm proud to say that I've grown and changed. I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. I'm not the person I was last year. I'm not even the person I was yesterday. And I'm so OK with that.
“My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.” ― Marcel Proust
“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are.” ― Cherie Carter-Scott
“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.” ― Jarod Kintz
I grew chronologically, as we all do every year. I celebrated my 28th birthday and started my 29th year; I grew intellectually, letting fear go and stepping out on my own - daring to try new things and, oddly enough, fall in love with them. I grew emotionally, discovering what true unconditional love is while almost simultaneously learning to accept a harsh reality and let go of a love that (in retrospect) has been a bit toxic for me. Being introduced to that unconditional love led me back into the orbit of Jennifer who has, in a real shock for me, re-ignited a flame that went out long ago and is helping me grow in spirit every single day. Her words keep me motivated, and have really sparked something in me leading into this year. I grow mentally, as often as I can. I read, as much as I can, as varied as I can. And my love of learning already has me going back for another semester of school. I try to keep growing philosophically as well. Having a background in Sociology and Psychology, I find it hard to see the world in black and white anymore. I find it hard to take what I'm told as fact. I learn to question things - outwardly and in personal reflection. I've also gained a much better understanding of who I am, who I am becoming, and what the future can hold for me. All I have to do is get out there and get it. I've also grown socially. I think that might be the only growth that I was forced into by taking the initiative to get out on my own. I had to go out and make new friends, new connections. And surprisingly (and with so much gratitude on my part) I fell into two groups of people that push me. We make it a point to do at least one new thing every month. There's always something to look forward to and no shortage of good times. Bonus on my heart that they took an interest in volunteering with me.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream. I dreamed about a former friend. I have no idea how that dream started, but I think it was the re-introduction of J into my life that caused it. I'm thinking now that divine intervention had to move her off of my radar so that I would have the room I needed to allow J to trigger my change. In this dream, remarkably, that friend apologized for her actions. She apologized for telling stories about my past to anyone she could. She felt bad for trying to make herself look better by making me look worse. Then she asked if we could hang out again. I wasn't mad though. I've never been mad, dream or not. I smiled and told her I forgave her, but we'll never be anything again. Friends come and go. People are close one day and once-a-year calls the next. But we were friends. And experiences we shared as friends shouldn't be demonized and made into something they aren't. It was made clear to me what kind of person she is. Mom taught me early to avoid people that do nothing but talk. Eventually, when they run out of things to talk about, they'll turn to conversations about you. She never has to worry about me speaking against her, because I will never speak of her again, positively or negatively. I don't have it in me to spread malice. But I'm so thrilled to know I have it in me to forgive so completely.
I've found that it's no good to stay the same. Growth is almost...required to get through life. I've seen what becomes of people who get stuck in any one "stage" or point in the path of growth. I'm proud to say that I've grown and changed. I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. I'm not the person I was last year. I'm not even the person I was yesterday. And I'm so OK with that.
“My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.” ― Marcel Proust
“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are.” ― Cherie Carter-Scott
“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.” ― Jarod Kintz
1.04.2014
Lost Generation
I read this poem...
Lost Generation.
I’m a part of Lost Generation
and I refuse to believe that
I can change the world
I realize this may be a shock but
“Happiness comes from within”
is a lie, and
“Money will make me happy”
So in thirty years I’ll tell my children
They are not the most important thing in my life
My employer will know that
I have my priority straight because
Work
Is more important than
Family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stay together
But this will not be true in my era
This is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope
And all of this will come true unless we reverse it.
...and it would have been very valid to me circa 2013. But for this version of me...reading it in reverse fit much better
Lost Generation.
I’m a part of Lost Generation
and I refuse to believe that
I can change the world
I realize this may be a shock but
“Happiness comes from within”
is a lie, and
“Money will make me happy”
So in thirty years I’ll tell my children
They are not the most important thing in my life
My employer will know that
I have my priority straight because
Work
Is more important than
Family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stay together
But this will not be true in my era
This is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope
And all of this will come true unless we reverse it.
...and it would have been very valid to me circa 2013. But for this version of me...reading it in reverse fit much better
12.09.2013
Weekend in review
Holy cow. I went home for my
family's annual Christmas party. I was literally home for 72 hours.
Roughly 18 of those were spent in some semblance of sleep. The other 54
were spent running. Running from Former Job 2 to Former Job 1. Running from Former job 1 to the hospital. Running
errands with ma. Playing chauffeur for dad. Stopping in with my
godparents. Skating to Jersey to see a college buddy. Skating back to
NYC to lend support to a high school friend. And finally landing in the
Christmas party that took me there in the first place. Even when that
ended, I had to wake up early yesterday to pack and prepare for a visit
from another college buddy before heading to the airport. I'm still not
actually sure how. I. did it. I've never done that before. I never want
to do that again. That took a toll on my everything.
I was happy to see everyone. I saw many more people than I intended or expected to. It was open arms from friends, family, and extended family. I've been avoiding home since I left. Keeping minimal contact except for those that came in to visit me here. It wasn't anything against them, but my main reason for leaving NY was to get away from all of the drama. the negativity. the bad blood. I just didn't want to get pulled back in once I got out. I didn't realize what that was doing to me. Until I got home. When your own parents don't recognize you because of how different you look, it's time to take stock. I see me every day, I don't notice these things. But the first comment I got from everyone, even long-time friends, was how great I look. I haven't taken any pictures since I left. I've got one or two from the summer wedding, but even that was months ago. It didn't help them any that I cut off all of my hair. I actually had to stifle a laugh as an old friend asked me out, thinking I was someone completely new. I'm not the same person that left New York 8 months ago - not at all. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically. I'm so glad.
I was happy to see everyone. I saw many more people than I intended or expected to. It was open arms from friends, family, and extended family. I've been avoiding home since I left. Keeping minimal contact except for those that came in to visit me here. It wasn't anything against them, but my main reason for leaving NY was to get away from all of the drama. the negativity. the bad blood. I just didn't want to get pulled back in once I got out. I didn't realize what that was doing to me. Until I got home. When your own parents don't recognize you because of how different you look, it's time to take stock. I see me every day, I don't notice these things. But the first comment I got from everyone, even long-time friends, was how great I look. I haven't taken any pictures since I left. I've got one or two from the summer wedding, but even that was months ago. It didn't help them any that I cut off all of my hair. I actually had to stifle a laugh as an old friend asked me out, thinking I was someone completely new. I'm not the same person that left New York 8 months ago - not at all. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically. I'm so glad.
11.05.2008
True Change?
Now, on one of, if not the most historical nights in American history, let alone American politics, we have a man of color, be it 1/2 black, in the Oval Office. I know many of you voted out there since we've had the largest voter turnout in history, I know some of you voted for the first time ever, and hopefully, it won't be your last.
Now, I didn't vote for Obama because he's 1/2 black, I didn't vote for him because he's democrat as I believe the idea that all minorities should vote democrat is the most ignorant idea, I didn't vote for him because I didn't like McCain, one of the reasons I voted for him was due to his stance on women's healthcare, which is important to me because I have a grandmother who is sick often. I also liked his stance on the economy, but I will admit one reason I voted had nothing to do with any of his political standings, I hoped that young african americans across the nation would open their eyes and see that the path they are currently traveling is wrong and that seeing a man who has traveled the right path would hopefully cause them to reconsider their life choices.
Having a man of color in the white house isn't the be all & end all for our people, the view on us won't change until we change. I can guarantee you, I will put my life on this, that tonight there are black kids celebrating Obamas victory, but tomorrow, somewhere in America, there will be a case of black on black, hell, black in any race, violence based on something ignorant, gang related, or just plain stupid. There will still be the glorification of gang culture, the embracing of ignorant music with no message, the wearing of clown clothes, your XXXL white tees, the jeans that have TOO much sag, the gold teeth, its too much. Black kids across the nation, who speak with a vernacular on par with the level of a chimpanzee, will be looked at as cool, while those who choose eloquence over ignorant will continue to be labeled as "sounding white" or being nerds. There will be kids on the city buses tomorrow afternoon with nothing better to discuss than a profanity-laced tirade about there peers, they'll be constantly using the word "nigga" not realizing that they're being looked at as "niggers". There will be elaborate handshakes, bandanas, "jux's", "flippings", and initiations.
By now you should get the point of what I'm trying to say. The fact that there is a man of color as President elect means that there is hope for change on some level, I'm hoping that at least one black child, teenager, or young adult can use this event as an inspiration to try and better themselves and their race.
Note: This was written off the top of my head via my sidekick. It was directly after Obama's speech, there was no time to organize my thoughts, so bare with me.
~ Courtesy of DJ Chris
Now, I didn't vote for Obama because he's 1/2 black, I didn't vote for him because he's democrat as I believe the idea that all minorities should vote democrat is the most ignorant idea, I didn't vote for him because I didn't like McCain, one of the reasons I voted for him was due to his stance on women's healthcare, which is important to me because I have a grandmother who is sick often. I also liked his stance on the economy, but I will admit one reason I voted had nothing to do with any of his political standings, I hoped that young african americans across the nation would open their eyes and see that the path they are currently traveling is wrong and that seeing a man who has traveled the right path would hopefully cause them to reconsider their life choices.
Having a man of color in the white house isn't the be all & end all for our people, the view on us won't change until we change. I can guarantee you, I will put my life on this, that tonight there are black kids celebrating Obamas victory, but tomorrow, somewhere in America, there will be a case of black on black, hell, black in any race, violence based on something ignorant, gang related, or just plain stupid. There will still be the glorification of gang culture, the embracing of ignorant music with no message, the wearing of clown clothes, your XXXL white tees, the jeans that have TOO much sag, the gold teeth, its too much. Black kids across the nation, who speak with a vernacular on par with the level of a chimpanzee, will be looked at as cool, while those who choose eloquence over ignorant will continue to be labeled as "sounding white" or being nerds. There will be kids on the city buses tomorrow afternoon with nothing better to discuss than a profanity-laced tirade about there peers, they'll be constantly using the word "nigga" not realizing that they're being looked at as "niggers". There will be elaborate handshakes, bandanas, "jux's", "flippings", and initiations.
By now you should get the point of what I'm trying to say. The fact that there is a man of color as President elect means that there is hope for change on some level, I'm hoping that at least one black child, teenager, or young adult can use this event as an inspiration to try and better themselves and their race.
Note: This was written off the top of my head via my sidekick. It was directly after Obama's speech, there was no time to organize my thoughts, so bare with me.
~ Courtesy of DJ Chris
11.02.2008
Deep Thinking
If you had a chance to change something, past or present, would u do it?
....what would it be?
After all, any changes would affect who u are, where u are, maybe even what u will b..positively or negatively
....what would it be?
After all, any changes would affect who u are, where u are, maybe even what u will b..positively or negatively
12.23.2007
Change is coming?
Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 
Libra Horoscope
(Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You will probably do better today once you talk about what's bugging you. You must, however, remain diplomatic or you'll just make things worse. You could be caught off guard, for you won't expect things to unfold as they do. Keep in mind that your emotions can fluctuate wildly and you may have a very different attitude in just a short while.
I'm not sure why, but as I was watching some movies (and dozing in and out of sleep in between) I got this sudden urge to change. I dont know where it came from, but it's like I want to be someone different. That is, the outside, not the inside. I've been me since 1996, there's nothing in the world to change me that much. There was a PostSecret card last week that someone sent it. I wish I had saved it, but I do remember what it said - "I'm shedding my old life like skin...and I couldnt be happier." My boyfriend thought i'd sent it in, I suppose because it's similar to the way i'm leaning? I feel like as far as life goes, i'm in a bit of a rut. People are moving on waaaay ahead of me, while i'm left in the dust. The least I can do with my time is use it wisely.
My changes arent that serious, in my opinion. Besides what everyone knows, me wanting to lose weight. But I'd like to go back to my blonde hair. I'd like to find time to get into dancing (which i'll probably do with Omega Phi Beta next year). I plan to change my style a bit. Get back into dressier clothes maybe. I think it all boils down to boosting my own like...inner energy. I was watching "Rize" & "Stomp the Yard" again, and I want that kind of energy. often. That kind of energy is contagious, and i'd like to spread it too. Maybe it'll catch on full force one day.
And just because impossible is nothing,
I cant even begin to understand how she looks like that at 4'9".
no, seriously.
12.03.2007
New Beginnings
So the day has finally wrapped up. I went to the funeral this morning (mentioned a few entries back) and didnt cry. I teared up slightly when the director of her dance troupe got up and spoke, but other than that, not a thing all day. I cant do it. I'm still SO mad at her for giving up and (what we suspect) indirectly killing herself. There was no reason 4 her, with no serious health problems, to die at 77. None. My personal cut off (from which you are allowed to say "yea, i'm kinda tired") is 82. NO sooner. Man or woman. period. I also havent exactly come to terms with her dying. I still expect to hear her ring my doorbell, to see her walking outside. I guess the proverbial nail in the coffin would be seeing new neighbors going in and out of her house. Maybe then....
I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....
I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.
I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....
Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.
I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....
I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.
I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....
Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.
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