New Beginnings

So the day has finally wrapped up. I went to the funeral this morning (mentioned a few entries back) and didnt cry. I teared up slightly when the director of her dance troupe got up and spoke, but other than that, not a thing all day. I cant do it. I'm still SO mad at her for giving up and (what we suspect) indirectly killing herself. There was no reason 4 her, with no serious health problems, to die at 77. None. My personal cut off (from which you are allowed to say "yea, i'm kinda tired") is 82. NO sooner. Man or woman. period. I also havent exactly come to terms with her dying. I still expect to hear her ring my doorbell, to see her walking outside. I guess the proverbial nail in the coffin would be seeing new neighbors going in and out of her house. Maybe then....

I went through with the psych consult on Friday. He asked alot of general Qs about friends, family, school, health, my neighborhood, life. Simple, simple questions. Yet and still i was ub3r mind fucked by this guy. I found myself detailing things to him that i wouldnt tell to someone that i knew for months. Psychologists and therapists have secret powers that are too in-depth for our feeble minds. But thats neither here nor there. He asked me if i've ever been depressed before (we've all know that story), then the follow-ups - hurt yourself? others? done drugs? thoughts of death? at the end of our little game, i got my consolation prize. "You might want to think about ADHD and anxiety along with depression." I started thinking about it saturday afternoon and some of my career-life actions have leaned kind of towards ADHD, but i never reeeeaalllllyyyy took it seriously. Shame. Apparently the first one might explain my bouts of the last two. I have to meet and be mind-fucked by a separate barrage of tests to determine just how serious it is. Fun, fun guys. Fun, fun. If only "mental illness" wasnt so severely frowned upon by the contributors of my gene pool....

I'm seriously considering an invitation put forth to me by a former roommate to escape this infernal city and do something more. This place is somehow holding me back and i KNOW this... everyone else has found their hookups & handouts and have found footholds in the mountain that is life, i'm just waiting in line for my shot. This may be it. Who knows, maybe i can bring some joy back and spread the wealth. Here's to a new year.

I've been on my own completely today, new feeling. Other than the funeral I had no real interaction with anyone. I was just kind of...present in places. It didnt bother me. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. The only communication i really did was to (try and) help my P.I.P. (partner in purgatory) D with some issues of her own. I think we're both in generally the same hole, just that shots are being taken at different parts of our lives. I feel for her situation in what i believe is the same way she feels for mine. It saddens me a great deal to see her in such a way. Life is terribly unfair to people sometimes, for inexplicable reasons. Deep sighs all around....

Last day of classes commences at 5am...one day of finals December 11th. And then begins what may just be the toughest holiday season i've ever faced.

Waiting....

I really thought it was just me thats been feeling this weird pull. Ever since this year kicked off there's just been this weird. pull. It's as if something big is waiting around the corner.

The first half of the year, up until May sorta, it was personal health problems. I missed ridiculous amounts of school last semester in and outta doctors & hospitals. They carried on through my summer job, just not severe enough to really require the doctors.

But this semester has just been shit. September marked some kind of cavalcade of madness in the big book of life. This semester completely topped the last one. In addition to my repeated health issues (i'm convinced that my body is slowly rejecting its own existence), there's insane people, and then other people and sudden health debacles.

I was told from a young age "at the end of every year, God has a quota to fill." And every year it seems to ring truer. Most if not everyone knows that a couple days after my birthday this year I lost my closest cousin to an illness that hasnt even been explained. Tonight, my parents came home and informed me that my neighbor, who's been like a third grandmother to me for my entire life, just passed away on her way to the hospital. They've concluded that she stroked early this morning while people were out. Because of how she fell, her lungs began 2 fill up with water and she pratically drowned. All of the above led to congestive heart failure and they never got her breathing on her own again.

When I first heard, i completely brushed it off. I mean honestly, she was dancing in the Rockaway Revue in August with her peppy little self. Its actually starting to sink in now and its making me absolutely miserable. I. dont. handle problems well. School's suffered enough this year. its coming down to the wire and i feel like everything is falling on my shoulders now. I dont even have the will to finish my papers. I actually would rather set them all ablaze on the stove top. I cant believe she's actually gone. I've got three days of class left and there will be a funeral smack in the middle.

I'm in a never-ending wait cycle. I'm incessantly waiting for the next ball to drop, the next dam to burst. I'm trying to hold it all together, keep myself in order. But it's just getting harder. Ugh i'm so frustrated at the world. It's been a very rough month and right now, i am just waiting for 2008 to peek its head in and say hello.