Doing Fine

People ask me all the time, “How are you doing?” To most people I simply tell them “I’m doing better” or even in some cases just simply keep the conversation moving. I tell them “I’m doing fine” but the truth of the matter is I really don’t know how I’m doing. I really don’t.

How are you supposed to be doing after you’ve lost your babies? After cremating your children’s bodies that barley had begun to grow. After getting ready to start picking out things for their nursery. It seems even with all the answers found in beautiful poetry and the overwhelming outpouring of thoughtful words from family & friends, and even in the very promises of God about heaven, the real answer seems to remain elusive.

How do you simply “go on” when every day you see the empty belly that once was big & round? How do you get back to normal when the only normal you’ve ever known will never be the same? How do you process all the what if’s which pour through your mind. Especially, the ones we work so hard to convince people we don’t have.

How am I doing?…I’m not doing well. I’m consumed with sadness. The awkwardness of not having my son & daughter has in many ways only increased. I can be in the middle of my day making dinner and start crying for no reason at all. Oh, there’s a reason alright, maybe a million of them. I see swings in the park and know that our babies will never swing on them. I often find myself wondering–mostly unconsciously–what our babies would have been like as they grew up. What it would have been like to hear them say “I love you Mommy”. Would they have loved music? What would their favorite ride at Disney Land have been? … I do believe in God’s flawless plan for me and my Husband. And while my trust in Him does not remove the emotions that make me human, I believe He loves me. Thank you Father for our babies. Please take care of them until I get there to help you.

...I think I may be crushing on him again. I feel that doesn't bode well for me.

The Learning Curveball

I've learned a lot. Being back in actual healthcare (as opposed to the behind-the-scenes business) has forced me to learn and understand and appreciate a lot.
I used to throw fits over my fibroids. Why me? What did I do to warrant so much pain and stress and aggravation so early in life? and for so long?

But then patients were admitted to my unit with co-morbids. So many co-morbids. More than I even saw in my renal patients. To have CHF & pulmonary sarcoidosis & random ischemias & fully metastasized cancers...I can't even fathom. Fibroids are technically curable, depending on each woman's circumstances. And the only "co-morbid" I boast is anemia - a pale-in-comparison side effect of the fibroids. These people can't cure one condition and be ok. A lot of them can't be cured of any of their conditions. So, I find myself whining less about my fibroids, and taking it all in stride. In the game of life, I may not have the perfect hand...but mine is far from the worst on the playing field.

Art

"We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race, and the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love – these are what we stay alive for.

To quote from Whitman – o me, o life of the questions of these recurring. Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these o me, o life. The answer – that you are here. That life exists and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse"

Kismet

Last night, I shared an intense conversation with someone who has become close to me in the last couple of years. We've always had in-depth conversation...I guess because we both have still waters running pretty deep. But last night was especially sobering for me. He told me about his now ex-girlfriend and what it was like, for him, to go through a miscarriage with her. He told me how he felt, knowing he’d never hold his daughter or see her grow up. And I could tell he was fighting back some of the emotion of it. He also shared his understanding of what a miscarriage does to us – the physical, the mental, the emotional. With him being so candid, it was more than easy for me to offer my perspective and tell him of my recent experiences with the same situation. It was simple for me to relate to his thoughts and feelings on the situation, as well as his ex-girlfriend’s. And likewise, by him being so open with me, he gave me insight into what it’s like for the father involved in a miscarriage. While he was learning about miscarriage trauma for us, I was learning about miscarriage trauma for him.

I’ve said that people go in and out of our lives for a reason. It’s the right people that keep coming around, for one purpose or another. I feel like he’s come back around to remind me that sometimes, emotions can be shared. and mirrored. and support can come from the most random of places. Our conversation was a pleasant reminder that this same support can be provided even when we don’t ask outright. Why deny each other a shoulder to cry on, or an arm to lean on? Fate has, at the bare minimum, made us friends for a lifetime.

Things I Learned

About love

1) You will enter your next relationship as healthy as you left your last

2) Real love allows you to be who you really are

3) The heart is every bit as strong as the mind; often stronger

4) When love bites, you can move on

5) You can only love others as much as you love yourself

Inquiring Minds

why does what I do & say, how I choose to live, affect people so. Why does it UPSET people so? why do they persist to talk down on me simply because I don't conform to the ways they want me to. if you are not my parent, husband, child, or caregiver it shouldn't even be a concern of theirs. my religion or culture don't have anything to do with you. actually. I take that back. it isn't even a matter of religion or culture or environment or anything of the sort. regardless of one's choice/role/position in any 'group' of people, we are allowed to look at life, experience it, and choose our own path to follow. I don't conspire to the 'norms' of any of my cultures. I'm not catholic just because my parents chose to be. I don't look down on people who didn't go to college, whether it be by choice or circumstance. I don't have the time to entertain someone's attempts at undermining my way of living. I'm not going to stand here and let you shame me into following into your footsteps. fact - everyone is entitled to their own opinions and views. misconception - everyone is required to impose those opinions and views on everyone else they meet.

Jeez...if we were all that alike we may as well have a hive mind, just one thinker for all. Where's the fun in that? I need diversity. My nature is too curious to be stuck in one box sitting in the middle of a dead end road. I fancy growth and change; understanding of the world around me and others role in it. afford me the same courtesy I give you. Let. me. live. Don't misdirect your anger at me just because you can't comprehend how I can be so free and open. It's not as hard as you keep telling yourself it is.

Wordle

I collected 35 words from 35 unique people for my wordle project. 3 of them, 3 completely unassociated people offered 'loyal' as their definition of me. while each word (and reasoning behind it provided) touched me deeply, the fact that loyal ranked top means a lot. And adventurous cane in twice! I didn't expect to have doubles, let alone a tripling of one word. but I'm grateful that so many see me in such great ways. And I appreciate every kind word offered.

50 Questions

Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Karma

sometimes it takes way too long....but I couldn't be happier that karma has finally come around. It was a long year, and the pay off has come.

I owe you nothing. Don't you dare ask.

Service

I was thinking back on my past lives, at least the ones I can remember. And I noticed a pattern - in all four I died young. and in all of them I died trying to save a family member. 

In one, sometime in the 1700s, my brother and I are peasant children, in the service of some wealthy woman. We are happy, until the flood comes. They leave us, locked in the basement. watching as the waters come. all I can think about is my brother. he couldn't have been more than eight years old. I made sure that he got out of that window before the water overcame me entirely. 

In another, somewhere in the 1950s, I'm walking home alone one night. I could sense something was really really wrong. And then those men came. robbed me. beat me. left me for dead. I crawled for miles, until I came across a young man. And the only thing I could say to him before it all ended was to save my baby.

Then there's the escapist flashback. There is a group of us running from this house. I have no idea why. I just know I don't ever want to go back in that house. There comes a point where the group gets separated. I trip. and I stumble across a toddler. I look at him and I know he's mine, but there's no one else around him. he's scared, crying. and they can hear him from miles out. To save him, I wrap him up in my jacket and hide him at the next house I come to, while I imitate his cries and run in the opposite direction.

Lastly there is my wedding. I just took my vows, we said our "I Do"s. I've just been introduced as his wife. And the doors to the church are blown open by gunshots. I watch friends. family. the priest. take bullets all over. All I can think about is saving Him, making sure He survives it all. I watch as one of the gunmen raises a Tommy and points it square at His chest. Without thinking, I dove in front of him, taking a blow to the stomach. I knew I was dying, but in true, hard Italian fashion, I pulled at the Tommy, turned it on the gunman, and caught him square in the chest before it all ended.

Why did these all come to mind? Because randomly at 11:54 at night I had this urge to find those two foster kids my sister had when I was young, and save them. from their horrible dad. from a life they didn't ask for. from a future they didn't deserve. I have this...need, to save people. I've prostrated myself on many an occasion, just so someone else wouldn't have to.

Service is my life. I think I love to serve others. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense of it making me unabashedly happy to see others make it. To see them succeed. And I love to be a part of it in any fashion. Healthcare is where I need to be. Where I love to be. As long as I get to make my patients' day even an iota better.

Perception

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. —Aeschylus

It's a scary thing. To think that everything you know, the life you have, can not only change...but completely disappear in the blink of an eye. To hear Abby say that her husband, 5-year old daughter, and 19 day old son, all because of one man's careless actions. She said every role she'd held - wife, mother, caregiver, lover - had been taken from her in a matter of seconds.

I can't imagine a loss that substantial. It's beyond my capability to even fathom. But she's inspired me. Her courage. determination. perseverance. survival. Losing Austin, losing Aunt Cheryl. I can't even compare. I hadn't had the chance to really know who Austin would have been. Aunt Cheryl...she was my aunt. Like a sister, but my aunt. If she can overcome, I think anyone can.

An idea

there are man-eating sharks in every ocean, but we still swim
every second somewhere in the world, lightning strikes, but we still play in the rain
poisonous snakes can be found in 49 of the 50 states, but we still go looking for adventure.
a car can crash, a house can crumble. but we still drive and love coming home
because I think deep down we know, all the bad things that can happen in life. they can't stop us from 

making our lives good

Two Lines

there's a first time for everything. and a last time.
detach with love. don't let them drag you down
don't become addicted to your own self-pity
if you don't know who I am, your best course may be to tread lightly
when you care about people, hurt is part of the package
to live in the hearts of people we leave behind, is not to die
you can't lose me when I'm not yours to lose

umm...

why are some people seemingly caught in an endless loop of despair? they're like washing machines - wash, rinse, repeat. Keep doing the same things and expecting change. I don't think it's insanity...just...something else

20 Things Life Is Too Short To Tolerate

Misery loves company, and unfortunately I have to hit decline on every one of those invites. I just don't have it in me anymore. But I hear it's a sign of great progression for me. Starting now, I stop tolerating…

1. People who bring you down. – Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.
2. A work environment or career field you hate. – Don’t settle on the first or second career field you dabble in.  Keep searching. Eventually you will find work you love to do. If you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop. You’re on to something big. Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
3. Your own negativity. – Be aware of your mental self-talk. We all talk silently to ourselves in our heads, but we aren’t always conscious of what we’re saying or how it’s affecting us. Start listening to your thoughts. If you hear negative thoughts, stop and replace them with positive thoughts.
4. Unnecessary miscommunication. – Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Speak clearly. Ask questions. Clarify things until you understand them.
5. A disorganized living and working space. – Clear the clutter. Get rid of stuff you don’t use.
6. Your own tardiness. – Get up 30 minutes earlier so you don’t have to rush around like a mad man.  That 30 minutes will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness and other unnecessary headaches.
7. Pressure to fit in with the crowd. – Oftentimes, the only reason others want you to fit in is that once you do they can ignore you and go about their business. Don’t conform. Be you, because that’s the only person you can be.
8. An unhealthy body. – Your health is your life. Don’t let it go. Eat right, exercise and get an annual physical check-up.
9. Fear of change. – Life is change.  Every day is different.  Every day is a new beginning and a new ending. Embrace it and make the best of it.
10. All work and no play. – Enjoy yourself and have a little fun while you can. If you’re smiling, you’re doing something right.
11. People or beauty ads that make you feel inadequate. – Good looks attracts the eyes.  Personality attracts the heart. Be proud to be you. You are already beautiful.
12. Not getting enough sleep. – A tired mind is rarely productive.
13. Doing the same exact thing over and over again. – You are the sum of your life experiences. The more you experience, the more interesting your life story gets.
14. Personal greed. – Don’t let greed and deceit get the best of you. Greed will bury even the lucky eventually.
15. A mounting pile of debt. – Always live well below your means. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Always sleep on big purchases. Create a budget and savings plan and stick to them.
16. Dishonesty. – Living a life of honesty creates peace of mind, and peace of mind is priceless. Period. Don’t be dishonest and don’t put up with people who are.
17. Infidelity. – Intimate relationships are a sacred bond – a circle of trust. If both parties aren’t 100% onboard the relationship isn’t worth fighting for.
18. An unsafe home. – If you don’t feel safe at home you’ll never feel safe anywhere. Build a loving household in a safe area that you are proud to call ‘home.’
19. Being unprepared. – Life is unpredictable. And there’s a big difference between being scared and being prepared. Always be prepared.
20. Inaction. – Either you’re going to take action and seize new opportunities or someone else will. You can’t change anything or make any sort of progress by sitting back and thinking about it.

....you only live once, but when you  live it right, once is enough.

Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care

15 Ways to Live, and Not Merely Exist

1. Appreciate the great people and things in your life. – Sometimes we don’t notice the things others do for us until they stop doing them. Don’t be like that. Be grateful for what you have, who loves you, and who cares for you. You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they’re no longer beside you. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it to live.
2. Ignore other people’s negativity. – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative before you know it. Ignore nonconstructive, hurtful commentary. No one has the right to judge you. They may have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through. You do not have control over what others say; but you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say these things to you. You alone can deny their poisonous words from invading your heart and mind.
3. Forgive those who have hurt you. – I forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I trust them.  I just don’t have time to hate people who hurt me, because I’m too busy loving people who love me.  The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to move forward is the happiest. Be brave. Be strong. Be happy. Be free.
4. Be who you really are. – If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t change. Uniqueness is priceless. In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it.  Being YOU is worth it!
5. Choose to listen to your inner voice. – Life is a courageous journey or nothing at all. We cannot become who we want to be by continuing to do exactly what we’ve been doing. Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else. Do what you know in your heart is right for YOU.  It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you. And be sure to appreciate every day of your life. Good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience, and the worst days give you the best lessons.
6. Embrace change and enjoy your life as it unfolds. – The hardest part about growing is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you’re not.  Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting, and have faith that things will work out.  Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds.  You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but eventually you will arrive precisely where you need to be.
7. Choose your relationships wisely. – The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way.  Relationships must be chosen wisely. Don’t rush love. Wait until you truly find it.  Don’t let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with.  Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. A great relationship is worth waiting for.
8. Recognize those who love you. – The most memorable people in your life will be the ones who loved you when you weren’t very loveable. Pay attention to who these people are in your life, and love them back, even when they aren’t acting loveable.
9. Love yourself too. – If you can love children, in spite of the messes they make; your mother, in spite of her tendency to nag; your father, even though he’s too opinionated; your sibling, even though she’s always late; your friend, even though he often forgets to return what he borrows, then you know how to love imperfect people, and can surely love yourself.
10. Do things your future self will thank you for. – What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. Make sure it’s worthwhile.
11. Be thankful for all the troubles you don’t have. – There are two ways of being rich: One is to have all you want, the other is to be satisfied with what you have. Accept and appreciate things now, and you’ll find more happiness in every moment you live. Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and offer thanks for all the troubles we don’t have. And remember, you have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
12. Leave enough time for fun. – Sometimes you need to take a few steps back to see things clearly. Never let your life become so filled with work, your mind become so crammed with worry, or your heart become so jammed with old hurts or anger, that there’s no room left in them for fun, for awe, or for joy.
13. Enjoy the little things in life. – The best things in life are free. There is absolute joy and wonder to be had in the simplest of moments. Watching the sunset over the horizon or spending time with a family member. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.
14. Accept the fact that the past is not today. – Don’t let the past steal your present and future from you. You might not be proud of all the things you’ve done in the past, but that’s okay. The past is not today. The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased.  It can only be accepted. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.
15. Let go when you must. – It’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken. Some relationships and situations just can’t be fixed. If you try to force them back together, things will only get worse.  Sometimes it’s about starting over and creating something better. Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over again with a smile on your face and passion in your heart.

30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself

1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.
2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.
3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there.
4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself.  Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.
5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Be yourself.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future.  Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past.  Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.
7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress.  If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning.  Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again.  Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving.  Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures.  One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.
8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?  The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.  You must love who you are or no one else will.
9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc.  Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind.  You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now.  So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.
10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out.  Smile because you can.  Choose happiness.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow.  Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it.  If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it.  But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too.
11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance.  You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.  Most of the time you just have to go for it!  And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be.  Either you succeed or you learn something.  Win-Win.
12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready!  Think about it.  You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward.  So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.
13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be.  Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment.  And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.
14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made.  People and priorities change.  As some relationships fade others will grow.  Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work.  Trust your judgment.  Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory.  Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time.  You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself.  You are competing to be the best you can be.  Aim to break your own personal records.
16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them.  Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for those who are making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Be thankful for their blessings, openly.  What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope.  Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times.  And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right.  Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others.  And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long.  We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.
20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say.  Do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.
22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day.  Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner.  Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.
23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’  One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are.  Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal.  No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.
24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen.  Get out there and DO something!  The harder you work the luckier you will become.  While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it.  By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result.
25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it.  Talk to those closest to you.  Tell them the truth about how you feel.  Let them listen.  The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.
26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them.  Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will.  And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own.  You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life.  And no, it won’t always be easy.  Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them.  But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles.  Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.
27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis.  You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people.  Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.  Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.
28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something.  Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation.  Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.
29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it.  The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful.  Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward.  No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things.  Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on.
30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Growth

There are many, many ways an individual can grow during the course of their lives. We grow physically. chronologically. spiritually. emotionally. mentally. intellectually. philosophically. socially. Looking back on the last couple of years I have seen a lot of growth in myself.

I grew chronologically, as we all do every year. I celebrated my 28th birthday and started my 29th year; I grew intellectually, letting fear go and stepping out on my own - daring to try new things and, oddly enough, fall in love with them. I grew emotionally, discovering what true unconditional love is while almost simultaneously learning to accept a harsh reality and let go of a love that (in retrospect) has been a bit toxic for me. Being introduced to that unconditional love led me back into the orbit of Jennifer who has, in a real shock for me, re-ignited a flame that went out long ago and is helping me grow in spirit every single day. Her words keep me motivated, and have really sparked something in me leading into this year. I grow mentally, as often as I can. I read, as much as I can, as varied as I can. And my love of learning already has me going back for another semester of school. I try to keep growing philosophically as well. Having a background in Sociology and Psychology, I find it hard to see the world in black and white anymore. I find it hard to take what I'm told as fact. I learn to question things - outwardly and in personal reflection. I've also gained a much better understanding of who I am, who I am becoming, and what the future can hold for me. All I have to do is get out there and get it. I've also grown socially. I think that might be the only growth that I was forced into by taking the initiative to get out on my own. I had to go out and make new friends, new connections. And surprisingly (and with so much gratitude on my part) I fell into two groups of people that push me. We make it a point to do at least one new thing every month. There's always something to look forward to and no shortage of good times. Bonus on my heart that they took an interest in volunteering with me.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream. I dreamed about a former friend. I have no idea how that dream started, but I think it was the re-introduction of J into my life that caused it. I'm thinking now that divine intervention had to move her off of my radar so that I would have the room I needed to allow J to trigger my change. In this dream, remarkably, that friend apologized for her actions. She apologized for telling stories about my past to anyone she could. She felt bad for trying to make herself look better by making me look worse. Then she asked if we could hang out again. I wasn't mad though. I've never been mad, dream or not. I smiled and told her I forgave her, but we'll never be anything again. Friends come and go. People are close one day and once-a-year calls the next. But we were friends. And experiences we shared as friends shouldn't be demonized and made into something they aren't. It was made clear to me what kind of person she is. Mom taught me early to avoid people that do nothing but talk. Eventually, when they run out of things to talk about, they'll turn to conversations about you. She never has to worry about me speaking against her, because I will never speak of her again, positively or negatively. I don't have it in me to spread malice. But I'm so thrilled to know I have it in me to forgive so completely.

I've found that it's no good to stay the same. Growth is almost...required to get through life. I've seen what becomes of people who get stuck in any one "stage" or point in the path of growth. I'm proud to say that I've grown and changed. I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. I'm not the person I was last year. I'm not even the person I was yesterday. And I'm so OK with that.

“My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.” ― Marcel Proust

“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are.” ― Cherie Carter-Scott

“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.” ― Jarod Kintz

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Lost Generation

I read this poem...



Lost Generation.
I’m a part of Lost Generation
and I refuse to believe that
I can change the world
I realize this may be a shock but
“Happiness comes from within”
is a lie, and
“Money will make me happy”
So in thirty years I’ll tell my children
They are not the most important thing in my life
My employer will know that
I have my priority straight because
Work
Is more important than
Family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stay together
But this will not be true in my era
This is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope
And all of this will come true unless we reverse it.

...and it would have been very valid to me circa 2013. But for this version of me...reading it in reverse fit much better