Ship Support

I know JoeJoe will understand far better than most when I say, i am all for this hookup! I wish they would make things happen already.

Morals

Tonight, I found out the most amusing thing. The guy that I was with for a year and a half tried to keep a big interesting secret from me. Four months before we split he cheated and got another girl pregnant. He now has a 3 1/2 month old (beautiful) baby girl. Looking back, I dont quite understand why he would pitch such a huge fit at me when I called to break it off. After the huge attempt to make me feel bad for saying 'yea, i dont think we're going anywhere', he went and did that. Even said that he's not marrying the mom. Why? 'Not his type, he doesnt like her like that.' I should be upset right? Any jilted girlfriend would. Especially given we spoke during the relationship about how this exact situation, would be the absolute worst possible way he could fuck it up with me.

But. I moreso find it funny. Damn near hilarious. When I first found out, I couldnt stop cracking up. Is that normal? Some of my friends are actually more animately upset. To the point that they wanna get big brother 'he did that to you?' aggressive. But. I'm not. I'm nowhere near upset. Thats his little red wagon. I look at it as a bullet dodged. I didnt even make him feel guilty about it. I am a little concerned for the little one though...


...what does that say about where my head was at during the relationship? Or at least towards the end? I wonder.

Recycled Webs

God, it seems like things really do come full circle. Just, all the time! So here I am, somewhere after 2:00 in the am, and I cant sleep! I remember what that was like. Back when I had the iron deficiency that gave me a level of .2 in my blood. It left my doctor wondering how I was sitting up everyday, and then proceeding to congratulate me for having spoke. coherently. in full sentences. before she threatened me with death blood transfusion. Wow, look how far off-track I just got. My level is at a healthy (anemia-deficient) level of 11.5 currently. Sorry 16, i'll never be that on point. But I digress.

Being up at odd hours gets one to thinking. Just about the worst most random things. My mind ended up wandering to a simpler time, a happier time, the time of high school. But then I started analyzing. Because in my case, I carried half of my junior high buds to high school with me. I started reading the webs. And something started to bug me. The pattern was repeating. The webs were being recycled, carried from person to person. Passed around as if they were the newest game boy version (not like anyone would be passing around their game boy....not I). It's like watching Degrassi played out in real life. Pick Joe, he's dated Mary, Jane, Sue & Kira. But you cant forget that Sue's dated Joe, Mike, Mark, & Matt. Then poor Mark, he went through Sue, Kira, Lydia, Ana and Bridgette, which would have been fine if bridgette hadnt found out about Ana. It's scary how we kind of just...passed each other off. Six degrees is just too many in this case.

But I suppose if it had played out any other way, we wouldnt be who we are now would we? At least my choices werent bad...i'll give myself that.

Relationship Math

Relationships---> male+female, male+male, female+female. all good things. but they can be such an unnecessary headache.

so alot of analyzing has been done on relas over the past few days. the conclusion is this - yes, relationships are work...but that work shouldn't be one-sided and more importantly, more time should be spent in a state of happiness, enjoying the rela. Me, LibraDreamer & New Jack have spent alot of the last few days going over past relationships and current, "comparing notes" so to speak. Why? because we are attempting to avoid repeating the history of a fourth person...crazy crazy female that she is. And as hard as relationships can get, there are just some places they shouldn't go. There are times when things will give and efforts will be made...improvement ensues, but then there are times when one has to sit back and contemplate what's best for the individual.

So yea, watched the moment of truth last night. A handful of my friends and I held a conference during the show, answering the questions along with the contestants. It was quite an interesting experience. The second guy, admitted to himself that he had a gambling problem. I thought that was interesting, brave, and...groundbreaking. Because that's something he can take home with his girlfriend, and work on. Maybe apologize to his ex-wife for as well. He seemed to put true thought into that answer. I like thought. The first guy, who was a personal trainer, admitted that he wasnt rushing to have children with his wife because he didnt think she was the one, and also that if her stomach got bigger, he'd recommend lipo. Wow. And even after that, she kept pushing - "No, keep going, I want to hear everything else." Either she relishes in the pain, the money is worth that much to her, OR, people actually desire the truth deep down, whether they admit it or not. Interesting... I look forward to next week.

less depressing, more upbeat - this dude in my class has a sexy mohawk. I hope to be a guy next time around. I will flaunt one hard. Although i think his mohawk is sorta special/unique cuz he has queer hair. lol

Confrontation

Saturday, December 15th, 2007 PST

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
It's not easy to keep everything light and easy today, even if life is looking sweet. Any unexpressed resentments can negatively influence your closest relationships now, yet you have a chance to clean up old stuff by bringing your feelings out into the open. This can feel quite scary, but it's your ultimate ticket to love.


I do not do confrontation very well at all. In fact, it might be the reason for the tumor I know is growing on my brain (similar to Lois when she suppresses the stuff that Peter's done on FG). The most recent time I can remember confronting someone on anything was about this time last year. In a fit of anger over something that technically wasnt my responsibility or place, I word-vomited feelings that I guess I had been sitting on for some time. However, because of the way they came out, I almost lost a friend entirely. It was almost two months later that we apologized to each other for the exchange and began rebuilding so to speak. If either one of us had been really petty and chose not to make up, we wouldnt be where we are now. And that saddens and scares me. I love my tweedledee :-)

Years ago, going back to high school, someone who was very close to me, (in my eyes) f3cked up really irreparably bad. The series of bad decisions she made (which i wont go into because....its very high school), led to a complete dismissal of her. Even now, any conversations that arise are strained, and pretty much cover what high school was, how people have grown, and how close we used to be. It's been 5 years and we've been absent from a major part of each other's lives. We lived in two different worlds and no longer have anything in common or new memories to remenisce on. "Remember when that guy did this?" not anymore. I think about her and its a shame things ended the way they did after we were so close for so many years, but for her i think it may have been best. Now she's seeing things with a different eye, and her decisions might be better. Dont get me wrong, if shit ever got serious (like life changes) i'll lend an ear. But i wont be going out of my way to force nice and copacetic between us. We're not what once was.

I dont want either situation to occur again....they both sucked. One resulted in a burned bridge, the other in grounds that were shaky, for a whiiiile (might still be, i cant speak on what her true opinions of me are right now). Why would i wanna put myself into that kind of situation again? Some people cant handle the truth no matter how its presented. I've told people simple things like me thinking they were trying to be a little controlling of their love relas. The result was a week of crying, and then someone else coming in to do damage control. And that was years ago. I cant imagine what would happen with something really serious or involved. So, i'll sit and watch. Typically, people come to their senses themselves and rectify situations, others may not. Not my problem. I welcome others that have that freedom of self to step in. I will only address things, if they are asked of me. Yup

Like a Cyclone

My horoscope for today kind of surprised me at first...

[Change]

Libra Horoscope
(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

You may be more socially aware than others because you inherently understand the balance needed for harmony in relationships. Today, however, your patience may wear thin as Venus puts you in touch with your own needs. Even if intense emotions rise to the surface now, trust your logical analysis over irrational intuition for the next few days.

but then i got to really thinking about it. In the last couple of days I've found myself (for what might just be the first time ever) putting my needs and my concerns and myself first. I've learned to actually be less emotional and more logical (in part because of the classes i had to take this semester) in my thoughts and expressions, at least in my opinion. Rationality is a wonderful thing. I wont let any of my relas be forgotten. But if those few cant manage to withstand my life order, they'll just have to be shelved until the ride is over.

I recently d/led & watched "Cyclone", "Hypnotized", and "Body" videos. I was reminded of a previous vision I had in mind. Back when Snoop's "I wanna love you" video came out, I wanted to be the girl in the middle. I wanted to look like her, get myself into some semblance of her shape. At the same time, I told myself I wanted to be a "Deal or No Deal" girl (all they have to do is look the way they do and they get paid for it. America is amazing). But everyone shot that down for me, found reasons why the idea was positively absurd. Now, I decided f3ck negativity. I'm not gonna dismiss my dreams because someone else thinks i'm incapable. That was the old Jacki. I've moved past it...

These "video girls" have restored my faith in myself and put me back on track. Last week, overeating, under-exercising, and drowning in drinks threw me way off my path. Watching those videos (particularly "Cyclone"), has reminded me of my goals and what I want to be. So i'm super reinforcing my workout schedule and sticking to my eating plans. I've got a time frame on my goals and i so need to get there. I dont care what plans are made from here on out, nothing will interfere with my weight loss goals. I'm not in it for the world...just for my own peace of mind. In four months, I will be moving my body like a cyclone.