BET Awards

It was all well and good. It was easy to maintain composure until sister Janet Jackson spoke on what her brother was, and meant to them. Such a sad situation.

R.I.P.

its really been one of those days. First at 1230, then at 530. *Sigh* i'm afraid for the 3rd installment.


Farrah Fawcett: February 2, 1947 - June 25, 2009


Michael Jackson: August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009

I cried

if you were hiding under a rug last night about 8pm...or watching lil kim dance as the case may be...





You know, every season there's one episode. last year, it was when they eliminated cutthroat bitch; even took it as far as sort of making it her fault (the meds she was taking at the time). No one truly saw that coming, no matter how much you did or didnt like her. But this year, i was truly hurt. I tuned in to house, first time since it moved to mondays, because the preview called it *that* episode of the season. looking back on it, i should have noticed that he was the only person missing from the preview while everyone else is crying. I mean, meatloaf and his heart are just filler for the real story of the episode. Kutner wasnt supposed to die. Kutner was that guy. He was just too lovable. But i guess its always the ones you least expect. No one pegged him for suicidal, especially given how lovable he was. All the funny and quirky. God it hurt to watch. And what really cemented it all - the whole 'we didnt see it coming' - was near the end. House was in his apartment, looking at photos. Photos with his parents, photos with friends, and then the last one; how i wish i could find it - a picture of him alone, a picture that seem to capture the monumental degree of sadness he must have been fighting with. It hurt. to watch.









Making me feel no better - although i'm happy for Kal - is the reason behind Kutner's dramatic departure:

"The truth is much, much nicer. According to an interview with EW's Michael Ausiello, Kal Penn has left House (and Hollywood) to work in the Obama White House. He tells Ausiello that during his time volunteering for the Obama campaign, he got to know the President pretty well and "expressed interest" in working for the administration. Now, Kal Penn will be the associate director in the White House office of public liaison. Not sure what that entails, but it sounds pretty fancy. Basically, he'll go from working with Hugh Laurie to working with President Obama, which makes him the luckiest guy on the planet."

Rihanna - Assault in Disturbia

what a way to celebrate your 21st birthday...

really and truly, whoever released this photo? is a fucknut. without a doubt. and yea, no matter what she did, she didnt deserve to be beaten.

Flying Solo

Have you ever felt infinitely lonely? Like you’re in so deep you’ll never really recover from it? I hate being alone…and I hate feeling as if I am. But at the same time, something inside of me is saying “you need to be alone, you have to be. It’s necessary.” People are noticing, but I guess positively and negatively, they’re disregarding it entirely. Maybe a sign I need to handle this stuff on my own. I miss friends….real friends. It’s as if they’ve all gone off with better things to do. Things that don’t really need me bringing them down. I don’t blame them. I need to find my own anyway.

Here’s my horoscope for today (11/18) – The Moon in futuristic Aquarius can create emotional distance between people today. Although we can be quite social now, we may feel detached from what’s happening in our immediate environment, or even from our own feelings. Logical Mercury forms a tense semisquare with overconfident Jupiter, enabling us to think big and back it up with the right words. Although we can make things sound wonderful, we are still challenged by our inability to relax.

I’ve been feeling like that for weeks now. I find it harder and harder to react to anything at all. I’m supposed to see Dane Cook tonight at MSG and the way I feel right now, I’d sell my ticket if I could, no hesitation. I don’t want to go out…I don’t want to be around people. Because they’ll do nothing but ask me what’s wrong with me, why am I so blah. I need to cheer up. Yea…if it was only that easy. My boyfriend just called me in a frenzy because his grandmother is really sick out of nowhere. He’s panicked, very understandably and I can’t help him. It’s like everything I’m saying to comfort him isn’t even coming from me. Like I’m watching a robot say words that are expected to be said in that kind of situation. I want to be more of a girlfriend to him right now and I just can’t do it.

I don’t know where it’s coming from or what’s fueling it, but I’ve given up on people. I don’t depend on them anymore. I don’t expect them to see things as I see them. How can I? They aren’t even in my position. It’s as if I’m going at it all solo. I’m out of emotion, completely out of it. But then at the same time, a wave of realization will settle on me and I can’t stop crying. I’m not crying about anything of particular importance to anyone, just things that may matter to me somewhere deep down. I can’t connect with people anymore. It’s as if there’s a switch that’s been activated. I’ve gone back in time to my days at Oneonta, when I dealt with my own little demon that no one else was even aware of. It’s back with a vengeance. A plus side to this whole situation is that I’m losing weight. I’m 7lbs from my 1^st goal, and then I can work on the rest.

I want to be happy. I want normal emotion levels…or any emotions at all. I’m tired of feeling like this. I want to be the me I once was. I miss her and I miss my comfort.