500

I’m ashamed I lost sight of this blog. And looking back through it, I’m even more ashamed that I wasted so many years on so much trivial garbage. I’m ready for my reset button/blue screen/red ring

Everything Wrong with America

"I heard someone on the news say, 'Tragedy has visited this church.' This wasn't a tornado. This was a racist. This was a guy with a Rhodesia badge on his sweater. I hate to even use this pun, but this one is black and white. There's no nuance here." -- Jon Stewart ► Jon addresses the Charleston church shooting: http://on.cc.com/1J7SSdx
Posted by The Daily Show on Friday, June 19, 2015

Everything Wrong With Comcast

Die Comcast. And let Universal Studios go. But mostly die.

Doing Fine

People ask me all the time, “How are you doing?” To most people I simply tell them “I’m doing better” or even in some cases just simply keep the conversation moving. I tell them “I’m doing fine” but the truth of the matter is I really don’t know how I’m doing. I really don’t.

How are you supposed to be doing after you’ve lost your babies? After cremating your children’s bodies that barley had begun to grow. After getting ready to start picking out things for their nursery. It seems even with all the answers found in beautiful poetry and the overwhelming outpouring of thoughtful words from family & friends, and even in the very promises of God about heaven, the real answer seems to remain elusive.

How do you simply “go on” when every day you see the empty belly that once was big & round? How do you get back to normal when the only normal you’ve ever known will never be the same? How do you process all the what if’s which pour through your mind. Especially, the ones we work so hard to convince people we don’t have.

How am I doing?…I’m not doing well. I’m consumed with sadness. The awkwardness of not having my son & daughter has in many ways only increased. I can be in the middle of my day making dinner and start crying for no reason at all. Oh, there’s a reason alright, maybe a million of them. I see swings in the park and know that our babies will never swing on them. I often find myself wondering–mostly unconsciously–what our babies would have been like as they grew up. What it would have been like to hear them say “I love you Mommy”. Would they have loved music? What would their favorite ride at Disney Land have been? … I do believe in God’s flawless plan for me and my Husband. And while my trust in Him does not remove the emotions that make me human, I believe He loves me. Thank you Father for our babies. Please take care of them until I get there to help you.

...I think I may be crushing on him again. I feel that doesn't bode well for me.

The Learning Curveball

I've learned a lot. Being back in actual healthcare (as opposed to the behind-the-scenes business) has forced me to learn and understand and appreciate a lot.
I used to throw fits over my fibroids. Why me? What did I do to warrant so much pain and stress and aggravation so early in life? and for so long?

But then patients were admitted to my unit with co-morbids. So many co-morbids. More than I even saw in my renal patients. To have CHF & pulmonary sarcoidosis & random ischemias & fully metastasized cancers...I can't even fathom. Fibroids are technically curable, depending on each woman's circumstances. And the only "co-morbid" I boast is anemia - a pale-in-comparison side effect of the fibroids. These people can't cure one condition and be ok. A lot of them can't be cured of any of their conditions. So, I find myself whining less about my fibroids, and taking it all in stride. In the game of life, I may not have the perfect hand...but mine is far from the worst on the playing field.

Art

"We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race, and the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love – these are what we stay alive for.

To quote from Whitman – o me, o life of the questions of these recurring. Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these o me, o life. The answer – that you are here. That life exists and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse"

Kismet

Last night, I shared an intense conversation with someone who has become close to me in the last couple of years. We've always had in-depth conversation...I guess because we both have still waters running pretty deep. But last night was especially sobering for me. He told me about his now ex-girlfriend and what it was like, for him, to go through a miscarriage with her. He told me how he felt, knowing he’d never hold his daughter or see her grow up. And I could tell he was fighting back some of the emotion of it. He also shared his understanding of what a miscarriage does to us – the physical, the mental, the emotional. With him being so candid, it was more than easy for me to offer my perspective and tell him of my recent experiences with the same situation. It was simple for me to relate to his thoughts and feelings on the situation, as well as his ex-girlfriend’s. And likewise, by him being so open with me, he gave me insight into what it’s like for the father involved in a miscarriage. While he was learning about miscarriage trauma for us, I was learning about miscarriage trauma for him.

I’ve said that people go in and out of our lives for a reason. It’s the right people that keep coming around, for one purpose or another. I feel like he’s come back around to remind me that sometimes, emotions can be shared. and mirrored. and support can come from the most random of places. Our conversation was a pleasant reminder that this same support can be provided even when we don’t ask outright. Why deny each other a shoulder to cry on, or an arm to lean on? Fate has, at the bare minimum, made us friends for a lifetime.

Things I Learned

About love

1) You will enter your next relationship as healthy as you left your last

2) Real love allows you to be who you really are

3) The heart is every bit as strong as the mind; often stronger

4) When love bites, you can move on

5) You can only love others as much as you love yourself

Inquiring Minds

why does what I do & say, how I choose to live, affect people so. Why does it UPSET people so? why do they persist to talk down on me simply because I don't conform to the ways they want me to. if you are not my parent, husband, child, or caregiver it shouldn't even be a concern of theirs. my religion or culture don't have anything to do with you. actually. I take that back. it isn't even a matter of religion or culture or environment or anything of the sort. regardless of one's choice/role/position in any 'group' of people, we are allowed to look at life, experience it, and choose our own path to follow. I don't conspire to the 'norms' of any of my cultures. I'm not catholic just because my parents chose to be. I don't look down on people who didn't go to college, whether it be by choice or circumstance. I don't have the time to entertain someone's attempts at undermining my way of living. I'm not going to stand here and let you shame me into following into your footsteps. fact - everyone is entitled to their own opinions and views. misconception - everyone is required to impose those opinions and views on everyone else they meet.

Jeez...if we were all that alike we may as well have a hive mind, just one thinker for all. Where's the fun in that? I need diversity. My nature is too curious to be stuck in one box sitting in the middle of a dead end road. I fancy growth and change; understanding of the world around me and others role in it. afford me the same courtesy I give you. Let. me. live. Don't misdirect your anger at me just because you can't comprehend how I can be so free and open. It's not as hard as you keep telling yourself it is.